Berbatov eat your heart out: Conngiggski wonder strike for Mondial FC

Just the thing for the season and something for Trapattoni to think about for the qualifiers.

Wonder strike by Dynamostaropremium stalwart on loan to Mondial FC paves way for cup victory against the might of Old Wimbledonians.

Gala Dinner and Testimonial

Herne Hill's premier watering hole will host the annual Dynamostaropremium AFC gala dinner on Monday December 14th. I will send a link to their menu for your delectation and selection, as we need to pre-order. The committee decided that 25 pounds a head would cover it.

The glittering occasion will be preceded by a testimonial match to celebrate our most senior player's 70th birthday. Yes it is the return of Da Silva-Fox. A Da Silva-Fox international VII will take on the might of the Dynamos.


THE HALF MOON MENU
(I think it is just pizzas, starters and sides at present: the committee thought ordering a selection of starters + pick your own pizza would be easiest)
starters
tomato and basil bruschetta v £3.75
warm ciabatta with olives, extra virgin olive oil & balsamic vinegar v £3.50
parma ham with melon £4.50
antipasto plate
salami, parma ham, pepperoni, mozzarella, shaved parmesan, goats cheese, artichoke hearts,
sun-dried tomatoes & roasted peppers, served with garlic & herb ciabatta £6.00 / £11.00
pizza traditional 12’’ stone baked thin crust
margarita mozzarella, tomato £6.50
napoli mozzarella, tomato, anchovies, capers, olives, onions £7.50
rucola mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, rocket £7.95
piccante mozzarella, tomato, pepperoni, chillies, peppers £7.95
amalfi mozzarella, tomato, artichoke hearts, peppers, red onion, olives £7.50
contadino mozzarella, tomato, peppers sun dried tomatoes, goat’s cheese £7.50
fiorentina mozzarella, tomato, spinach, egg, black olives £7.50
sorrento mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, pepperoni, mushroom, peppers £8.50
torino mozzarella, tomato, pepperoni, chorizo, chillies £8.25
pamplona mozzarella, tomato, chorizo, red onions & fresh tomato £7.95
pollo mozzarella, tomato, garlic chicken, mushroom, rocket £7.95
calzone a folded pizza with mozzarella, tomato, parma ham & mushroom £7.95
sicilian mozzarella, tomato, mushrooms, onions, olives, pepperoni, rocket £7.95
alghero mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, salami, chorizo, pepperoni £8.95
nettuno tomato, tuna flake, onions , capers, black-olives and chillies £7.50
californian mozzarella, tomato, chorizo, goats cheese, fresh tomato, pinenuts, pesto dressing £9.25
(extra toppings meat £1.50 veg £1.00)
salads
rocket and shaved parmesan salad (olive oil & balsamic dressing) v £5.45
caesar salad, cos lettuce & anchovies (classic ceasar dressing) v £4.95
avocado, tomato & mozzarella (olive oil & balsamic dressing) v £5.75
spicy chicken salad (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £6.50
spinach salad with avocado, croutons & pinenuts v (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £5.75
rocket & parma ham salad sun dried toms, pinenuts, parmesan & croutons (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £6.50
nicoise salad with tuna flake, onion, black olive, soft-boiled egg (olive oil dressing) £6.25
ciabatta sandwiches served with a small salad
mozzarella, tomatoes and basil v £4.25
chicken, avocado, pesto mayonnaise £4.95
half moon plt, cooked parma ham, cos lettuce, tomatoes and mayo £4.95
cumberland sausage with fried onions and mustard £4.95
roast pepper with tomato mozzarella & artichoke v £4.95
tuna mayonnaise and tomato £4.50
oven and grill
sirloin steak (8 oz) with baked chips, tomato & side salad £10.95
roast chicken breast in tomato & mozzarella sauce with baked chips & side salad £8.95
cumberland sausage with baked chips & minty peas £6.50
side dishes
garlic bread £3.00
olives- green & black £1.50
bowl of oven baked chips £2.00
mixed salad, green leaf, red onion & tomato (olive oil & balsamic dressing) £3.20

Introducing new refereeing system

Long-standing and indeed long-falling-down members of the Dynamostaropremium AFC set-up will know that referee Jorge Satantango has done an excellent job keeping our pitches free of nastiness for several seasons. For a trial period, however, this excellent man will now be assisted by the Noel Edmunds Deal or No Deal system. This wonderful device comes in a flat-pack box and is self-assembly. No tools needed. Once assembled the device features two team captains with an encyclopedic knowledge of the customised Dynamo rules (including ‘sneaky D’).
The system enables these captains to vote yes or no against claims for high ball, free-kick etc. either if play is stopped or someone is making a hullabaloo about their claim. It should help avoid unilateral decisions on fouls etc. which often happen when players simply do want not to get involved in what might end up an unnecessary argument about what is in the end a bit of fun, In the event of a Deal/No Deal draw between the ‘captains’, the representative of referee Jorge Satantango on earth (a third official) will have the casting vote. The wonder of the device is that no discussion takes place, just the ‘Deal’, ‘No Deal’. Another feature of this amazing system of justice on the field of play is that players should not, in theory, end up arguing with each other about foul or no foul, high ball or not, and getting stressed about it..

The system is compatible with the advantage for high balls rule.
The set features gold lamé armbands, frequent flyer points accumulation counters, beards, and specially designed, FIFA-approved in-ear phones.

Dynamos slump to second defeat on doomed US tour

Pittsburgh Fridge Magnets 10
Dynamostaropremium 6

The gloom thickened, err, deepened on Larry Bednapp's tour as his technically superior and fitter side was swept aside by the Pittsburgh Fridge Magnets. Despite the return of Di Parma and Stevie D and Wolfkaiser back from his personal journey back to his roots to exorcise the demons in his goalscoring boots, the insolence of Tomar Shavin and flank play of Gilesinho were not enough on the night to counter the trio of hat-tricks by Gizzabaldi, Campellese and Hoganfemimartins. Hat-trick of the match went to Hoganfemimartins and Marmite PotM went to Campellese. Marukaka was impressive again and new Russian signing Tyrellich was looking like another inspired signing before injury cut short his match.

Dynamos outfought, outwitted, outplayed, outclassed by Hi GM opponents in US

Dallas Doughnuts 11
Dynamostaropremium 10

The Dynamos' pre-season tour of the US got off to a bad start despite new signing Brazil's Japanese-born legend Marukaka's impressive debut. Playing at the base of the Ancellotti 'diamond' tried out here by Larry Bednapp for the first time, he stormed forward to blast the ball into the top corner from 25 yards. Other higlights included Conngiggski's Zidane magic on the corner of the D. Drag back, step-over, reverse-back-heel. Only the bark denied him. Al Kinghali secured the Marmite PotM award and Canwinjones was as unstoppable as his defensive nous was unfathomable to his hapless opponents.

Dynamos snooze early doors but turn up volume late doors to dismiss visitors for 6

Dynamostaropremium AFC 9
Wisden Almanac 6


It was Pimms o'clock as the Dynamos took to the field of play wearing topical outfits looking as if designed by Roger Federer and Nike and proceeded to let the opponents make their best mistakes. As cricket terminology is not the forte of the editor this entry has had to be cut short for technical reasons, but if you were there and speak 'Cricket' then you will be able to fill in the rest yourselves. Ah Bisto! goal of the match to Garrattino for his long awaited scoop, twist and strike into the top corner

Dynamos rewrite rule-book

Dynamostaropremium AFC

Adaptations of rules for injury-risk reduction purposes and artistic merit

Rule 1: The D
Contact with ball by outfield players allowed if ball just inside D but no contact made by attacking player on the surface of D area (e.g. playing foot, head, arse or whatever makes no contact with surface inside D)

But: no contact allowed with goalkeeper. NB Goalkeeper must feel safe in making all saves within D.

If entry of D takes place after contact with ball outside D then this is ok, provided no danger of contact with goalkeeper. In the real rules for 5-a-side accidental entry of D is okay, so same with us.

Fly goalkeeper once outside D is covered by same rules as outfield players (hence if fly goalie handles outside D it is a handball just like any other).


Rule 2: Tackling for softies
No sliding tackles

No going in high with boot raised.


Rule 3: Wingers' rule (AKA Chrees Waddle)
The player on the ball ‘darting’ down the wing claiming ball is in should not necessarily be overruled by opponent with more restricted view.

Rule 4: Head height advantage
Where possible advantage should be played but no sulking due to lack of unanimity between team-mates or between teams. Rule relaxed in the case of spectacular goals scored following an infringement (precedent: Conngiggskï’s volley). Also think twice about calling head height unless you are certain.

Rule 6: Penalties (suggestion)
‘Cynical’ fouls where the attacker is through on goal or in strong attacking position should be penalised with a penalty kick. In the event of a disputed decision the players in question should retire to the sin-bin and exchange man-bags.

Rule 7: Goalkeeper can clear/save/block the ball over head height but not kick or throw a deliberately attacking ball over head height.

Rule 8: Simulation
This is encouraged in every area of the pitch.

Rule 9: Referee Jorge Satantango’s decision is final, at least until the postmatch analysis and/or blog.