Dynamos pass MOT as brave effort fails to keep Pecker up

DSPAFC 11
Peckhamwoodpeckersiders AFC 10

Aderonskï, Ballsssssterious, Conngiggskï, Gizzabaldi, Campellese,
Coweyscatsi, Wolfkaiser, Roperaroo, Turnbulletin, Al Kinghali, Waddolucci

Normality returned to DSPAFC at least in formation with a flat 4 across the back and a roving utility player with interchangeable identities making up the rest of the team . The tactics were another matter. What a resource for the pundits trying to make sense of this!!!!!

The pundits knew it would be a big occasion; the crowd came with an air of anticipation for this local derby with the woodpeckersiders and left satisfied. As Gavin Peacock suggested, what more could you ask for?

After a barren spell with the squad depleted of numbers recently we anticipated a squad choice which Dynamos supremo Juande Vamos would have sleepless nights dwelling over.
Overseas sabbaticals done with, scouting trips completed the usual promos for Nike and Umbro in the editing suite and the air supply for the oxygen tent spent, they were ready and then some !!!!!
ON! Oh indeedie it was!

Keenness was much in evidence, with Seve Ballssssssterious seen climbing the security net at the hour of 7.45 and entering the stadium directly into the midst of the North End faithful where he joked with them about joining them for a pre-match bacon buttie and a light ale. Oh yes we like this approach. Bibs, recently washed with a new fragrant additive, were dispensed with rusty hesitation by the prodigal son Gizzabaldi, returning from overseas talks.
Oh my word, the near capacity crowd were treated early doors to an early goal straight out of the top drawer. The tangerines hit the ground running while the Lime Greens started on the back foot. Bish, Bash Bosh it was in the sac with Conngiggskï’s early strike on the run - yes on the run, “a rarity for him, with the addition of the loosely torn coriander just enabling the ball to go beyond the outstretched legs of the defence and stricken Peckahamwoodpeckersiders keeper” as Motty noted in his commentary.
It was touch-tight in midfield all night and the tackles were flying, Lovely stuff, it must be said, with only the occasional bit of simulation. Colors of Benetton supremo Flavio A. Cappella had issued a stern rebuke during the week to the growing tribes of simulators in the Premiership, and he seemed to have the Dynamos in particular in his sights as the mind games intensify in the run-up to the title. “Where does it end though? Conngiggskï goes over just outside the D, for me it’s a stonewall free-kick, but the lad Coweyscatsi recreates the supposed simulation for the camera’s benefit. Now you try telling Dynamo’s supremo Juande Vamos that that in itself is not simulation, and I’ll buy you a large frappucino the next time I see you in the Chelsea VIP lounge”, commented Gavin Peacock.

After his recent absence from the teamsheet, (allegedly partying with Ronaldinho in da Clubs) Wolfkaiser staked his claim on the engine room. Nothing was getting through his patch. Word in the tabloids this week has centred on his flamboyant outfit. Lee “E Loving” Sharpe on Match of the Day 6 was suffering flashbacks and loving it, the moonlighting camera man Waddolucci was having a mare behind the viewfinder, with the glare from the Uber-Vis combo of lycra and midfield play straight out of the top drawer. As the season draws to a close, “is he enhancing his presence on the pitch for possible transfer season or merely ensuring the crowd is able to follow his every move?”, Jim Beglin quizzed listeners on liveyourfootballhereandnowliveradio.com.
Goals came thick and fast all night in a contest to remember, until Campellese took a turn and damaged his knee. It looked bad at first, but like the pro he is, had his Lucozade and sat on the bench to see out the game. What an asset!
Top drawer saves from both camps (Coweyscatsi and Conngiggskï in particular) kept the scoreline true to the game and after another night of the near miss, it was a draw, yes even stevens with the clock ticking. Again Coweyscatsi missed the call for next goal wins, two weeks running and was last seen following referee Jorge Satantango to the dressing room for a chat.
Thank God for video technology: the final goal was captured and it was a beauty. On the break a flowing movement involving the whole team ended with Conngiggskï powering it home on the turn. Followed by high fives and celebrations to befit the game. Lovely, except for the peckersiders who will surely have a clear-out of the dressing room on their way down into Championship next season. “The arithmetic is against us with only a possible 6 points out of two games against a deficit of the 8 we’d need to stay up, so it looks like unless there is a miracle we’ll be going down” observed Sammy Smallerdyce.
In the post match chat Jan Mölby was feeling the game, Lorro saw a lot of plusses and Hansen thought the defence needed a lot of work in training, especially at set pieces. I for one can not remember any, but who am I to question the candle wax lover from Scotland?
Waddolucci, although sidelined, still was putting in planning permission for his allotments and was joined by Coweyscatsi; multiple toys were extracted from the pram and strewn around the pavilion while Juande Vamos threatened to dock wages and confiscated all playstations for a day. It calmed down there and then. He has gained the respeck he deserves from his troops.
Marmite Man of the match went to S. Ballsssssssterious, calm, crisp and eager, an engine just after its service.

Roll on next week, lovin’ it. Ahhhh Bisto! Goals of the match to Conngiggskï for his starter for 6, his brace in between and most of all the glorious matchwinner, while the match ball was shared between a double brace of hatrickers.
Respeck.

Map for 11-a-side friendly

http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newprint.srf?x=522500&y=171500&z=3&ar=Y&isp=200&ism=1000&searchp=newprint.srf&mapp=newmap.srf&dn=707&ax=522500&ay=171500?133,197

Dynamos weather storm at Attic to keep title hopes alive and send 'Brew down

Claptonspecialbrew Athletic 8
DSPAF 8

Att. 22.345

Well what went on this blustery, blistering and ball-bashing eve at home of the North London phenomenon that is Claptonspecialbrew Athletic?
Much , I tell you, much more than anyone could have envisaged and make no mistake.
With the endless injury lists, overseas commitments and scouting trips the squad had diminished to almost unplayable levels. At least that is what the tabloid talk was all about. "No-one's sure what team will turn up tonight," wrote Matt LeTissier in his column 'Inside the footballing mind'.

They know nothing about the true grit and determination of these warriors of the field. Nothing was going to stop these pros from their 90mins of ball-kicking to and fro-ing. "At the end of the day the 'Brew went down reluctantly leaving a nauseating aftertaste", commented Gaby Logan.

It looked doomed from the Friday shout out to the crew with Gizzabaldi and Turnbulletin both on scouting trips with monsieur Platini, Wolfkaiser in talks with Mr Hicks as a possible replacement for Rafa, Al Kinghali along with others in the Oxygen tent, Gosh it was OFF. But No, the hard-core grafters of the team, the Home Boys rallied together for a spectacular 3v3.

The heavens opened, but this did nothing to dampen the spirits of the Ladz. Hell no!
Roperaroo dispensed the bibs with confidence, almost floating the Hi-viz tops to the chosen few.

IT WAS ON!

A strange yet attack minded formation was obvious from the Off.
Teams:
Roperaroo... Conngiggski.....Coweyscatsi
V
Campellese....El Darrylinho........Waddolucci

The crowd cheered with joy in anticipation of what was bound to be a tight, high tempo and low scoring game. The game plan was set: attacking 3 versus a defensive 3 and vice-versa. It was end-to-end stuff and no shortening of the field either. Full length or an early bath was the cry.

The St Johns Ambulance crew had to administer 2 full packs of Polos and 2 individual Werthers Originals to the crowd for Ye Olde Repetitatitatitative Straine Injurie of the neck, such was the tempo of the game. Some say it was like watching every Tiger Tim Henman defeat at Wimbledon 1985 to 2006.

The keepers had a ‘Mare, it must be said: where were they? Some of the restless crowd compared the lack of stability 'tween the bark, to that of Grobbelaar and Barthez in their pomp. Where the F-ck were they? Abroad many said. How right they were. Gaping holes in defence were evident early doors, in fact from minute 3 on the clock. Cramp and fatigue were some of the ailments suffered for the cause this night. The now apparent super-sized onion sack was there for the taking, but a goal fest was not to be. Crowd pleasing was the game-plan this eve. What a feast for the eyes this was.

El Darrylinho was back to his old tricks, piledriving from every angle. The protractor was out as he worked his way through the full 180 degrees at his disposal. Waddolucci found new form in curling a few beauties, yet still finding time to berate his colleagues when he had an allotment of space to pass to. Campellese was at his 9-5 favourite at the 3.30 at White City best, almost spin drying himself with his ferocious runs from defence.

Roperaroo was dogged in defence and, during a live broadcast from the Pavilion Gavin Peacock declared him a "non insubstantial Obstacle" to negotiate; he was also staking his long-established claim on the Kleenex Menthol Fair-Play award with clean tackling to complement his quick passing.

Coweyscatsi as ever found the energy for the full 90, looking sharp and he too took a few curlers into the sac d’oignons. Conngiggskï had a cameo role, and was likened by Jan Mölby to “the Duracel bunny running out of steam culminating in him breakdancing on the D like that fella Leroy from FAME in the 80's”.

Highlights included a real treat, with Waddo and El Darylinho using the Bark as the 4th man. Ping goes Darrylinho’s piledriver, pong goes Waddo’s volleyed reply again off the bark. For once the Campellese legs let down their proud owner for the triple.

It was a treat, the crowd thought Christmas had come early, as did the players.
The score-line was a tad confused, however, at ‘next goal wins’. At this point they were level at 8-8.

The final goal however will be investigated, as Coweyscatsi was retrieving the ball when the players and officials discussed ‘next goal wins’ scenario. He returned to the field with info from neither referee Jorge Satantango nor the fourth official and that’s not the way we end the game. So from a likely 13-8 scoreline we ended it in a draw. With but one fixture between now and the Dynamos’ debut on the swards of a verdant south east London playing field, the highest paid bench in the Premiership will be the site for some repartee straight out of the top drawer next week as subs try to talk and sing their way back into the first 11. Under the watchful eye of Dynamos supremo Juande Vamos , the Dry Karaoke nights with which the squad have had to content themselves of late will be the scene for some interesting head-to-heads in the lead-up to next week’s fixture against Peckhamwoodpeckercider AFC who, according to Peckhamwoodpeckercider supremo Sammy Smallerdyce “just need 6 points to stay up and another one or two to avoid relegation.”

Dynamos quietly reach last 4 as sedate Utd send out wrong message

DSPAFC 16

Colors of Benetton Utd 6

Att: 9,367

Champions League quarter final 2nd leg

Whether it was fatigue at the prospect of yet another match between the Dynamos and their arch rivals, albeit this time in the Champions League, or lack of enthusiasm for the new ground, the atmosphere at Pond Cottages this evening was muted. At times the players could have been forgiven for thinking they were playing behind closed doors such was the silence that hung over the stadium. At the pavilion only the empty bar stools usually graced by the posteriors of players and pundits were able to muster a reply to this forgettable fixture. Oh hang on, there’s Jan Molby at the mic: “Forgettable to some but what about the Dynamos playing Utd off the park, outclassing them in every area of the field. Take the likes of Campellese, Turnbulletin, Roperaroo, the injured Gilesinho. Consider Coweyscatsi who, apart from an unfortunate misunderstanding which led to his own-goal, grew into his new role tonight, accepting the responsibility, and stepping into the fray, striding about the park like a colossus. And what of the goals? A feast for the connoisseur of showboating. Campellese? Campel-easy more like. Roperaroo? Leave it out will you, the lad reassembled the flanks exclusively to his own specifications and left Utd searching for the instruction manual. Turnbulletin? A legend isn’t it, a goal-machine. Gilesinho: a Lazarus who showed the Utd back 4 that they should rue the day they didn’t renew his loan. And now it’s back to Gaby in the studio. Hello...Gaby...is anyone there....this is me Jan at the pavilion...anyo...”.

-Constantin Conngiggski is away

Existentialism aids Dynamo's recovery as Utd capitulate late doors

DSPAFC 6
Colors of Benetton Utd 5
Att. 51, 456

On the day the curtain came down at the Arena before the Dynamos relocate to Pond Cottages, the visitors had their manager questioned in connection with match fixing in Serie A. Flavio A. Cappella looked on stony faced as his side saw their 5 goal lead whittled away by the Dynamos. Despite the early onslaught of Waddolucci (getting to the by-line like Waddle in his pomp), Aderonskï (a single cracker into the mesh), Conngiggskï (an inside-out diagonal into the lattice), Wolfkaiser (a corker into the wine sack), Al Kinghali showboating like he owned the right hand side of the park (a drive from 35 yards), Roperaroo (embroidered one-touch football straight out of the top drawer), and the ever-informative instruction and leading by example of El Darrylinho, Utd capitulated in the final minutes to Gilesinho’s long-prepared match-winner. The Dynamos can take a lot of positives out of this one. First the 3 points against their main rivals for the title, second the comeback, third the resolve, fourth the belief, fifth the strength in depth, sixth the positives hidden in between these positives and seventh those which form when the negatives are combined. Coweyscatsi ‘tween the bark was a revelation, Campellese in the engine room a self-multiplying asset, Garrattino a powerhouse up and down the turf, Gizzabaldi a shetland pony, Michaelides a strolling player upon a stage with a powerful soliloquy to boot and Gilesinho a predatory force to be reckoned with. "To be or not to be next goal the winner" he intoned before belting the sphere into the oblivion of the Benetton net and making his exit stage right. As the lights went down on referee Jorge Satantango’s last fixture at the Arena, he had to deal with a catalogue of controversies straight out of the FIFA handbook of unlikely what-ifs in the You Are the Ref appendices. Foremost among these was the contested 6th goal for the Dynamos. Video playback confirms its occurrence but try telling that to Aderonskï who faces a two match ban for his persistent protestations about the 'non-being' of the 6th goal. Quoting St Germain legend Jean-Paul Sartre and goalkeeping wunderkind Albert Camus to the fourth official will have done little to advance his cause. It was still all to play for at the pavilion where Lorro questioned the tactical nous of the Dynamos and Hansen alleged defensive mayhem in the Utd back 4. Gavin Peacock praised the staying power of Gilesinho and the ‘engine’ of Campellese. "You've got to say that the two lads have only gone and done what Dynamos supremo Juande Vamos has told them to do, that's to keep going for the full 9o", he added from the comfort of his blue and purple wide-striped shirt. "The gaffer's been reading the players John Terry's treatise on Being and Nothingness at bedtimes and you've only got to look at the results to see the dividends the Dynamos are taking out of the centre-half's synopsis of the 600+ pages of existentialist tactics", observed Jan Molby. Gaby Logan asked Benetton's assistant manager Xavier Xerox about the alleged showboating of the Dynamos (who until last week were themselves coached by the quixotic Castilian before the petrodollars lured him back to Utd): "Isn't it just a welcome return to the days of the likes of Rodney Marsh?" she asked the perplexed Xerox. "Look Gaby, from the perspective of the player on the receiving end of these unnecessary keepie-uppies, followed by a dive header to self round the full back, then a mimed SMS to the the upended defender, which video playback clearly shows as signalling 'l8ers', and a flick onto the near post and a quick lick 'n' stick of a Rizla paper on the keeper's forehead before the rebound is converted into a back-heeled nutmeg into the bolsa de cebollas, you've got to see that they might be a bit miffed with the Dynamos' lack of respect for the opposition".

Marmite PotM was M. Michaelides, while the ‘James’ went to C. Coweyscatsi, the 'Ronaldo' to C. Conngiggskï, the ‘Always believe in...you are Cole, Cole! always believe in your soul’ went to Wolfkaiser.

What a load of legends.

- Constantin Conngiggski is away