Dynamos flirt with move north of the border

Gretna Reserves 6

DSPAFC 9

Att. 2,219

Garrattino, Roperaroo, Wolfkaiser, ¡Burrritahh!
Darrylinho, Conngiggski, Hoganfemimartins, Coweyscatsi, Gizzabaldi , Waddolucci, Turnbulletin, Di Parma, Al Kinghali, Aderonski, Ballssssterious

It was a classic before a sphere was struck and make no mistake. It was seen as a platform for our sorry lads, left out in the cold during the Euros, to show the fans something special.

After last week’ s Champions final these athletes took to the field like their massive salaries depended on it. Transfer window was wide open, even the conservatory door was ajar. Oh my word it was ON!

The gaffer for tonight - with Dynamos supremo Juande Vamos on holiday - rallied his troops through his trusty, retro mobile, he had a plan in how to approach the match and the team-sheet was ever present in his experienced mind. The three S’s were to play a massive part in tonight’s game, Scoopin’, Stepovers and Simulation.

The formation was crazy, some thought, risky others stated and downright unique. An 8 v 7 formation was called for. This had been used in the training ground but never on a stage of this size. What, How, Where and Who, just some of the shouts which could be heard rumbling around the near capacity crowd. Speaking of which, we encountered some trouble with some wannabee pros, stealing the Bark from the new stadium. Some of the brave pros approached the cheeky chappies pre match but the fear of injury to the kidz, were it to erupt, ended with mere manbags and an old school bark being used instead, more of which later.

The groundsman hurried around pre match to re-mark the D, just in time for kick off, and it was a fine one at that. It was tight and tactics were implemented for the good of the game. A novel 1-2-4-1 seemed to be the way forward for the battle. These seasoned pros looked out of sorts early doors, ping pong football was all that was on offer until they got hold of their shape. Roughly 2mins into the game and the nerves were settled and normality resumed.
Hoganfemimartins striding through the defence, unleashed a blistering shot from the right, Waddolucci looked on in disbelief, David James-like, Thwack, off the upper bark, it skyed a good 32ft before landing on the meat of Conngiggskï’s shooting boot. He had totally unnecessarily leaped a good 3inches in the air to collect the gift from the clouds, Smack in the back of the Sack. UEFA are looking into interference from low flying air craft , the use of wires to enable the big lump to lift off and stimulants. The latter being called into play mainly due to his arrival in Lee”the E” Sharp’s baby Bentley. Tabloid talk, but an opinion all the same.

As usual the numbers did not match the numbers of the scoreboard, there was as little between these two sides as there was space to move on the turf.
It was tight, my gosh it was. The coaching from either side was notable, frustrations spilled over early in the first half, both Gizzabaldi and Wolfkaiser screechin’ and gnarlin’ along with Turnbulletin’s stroppin’. It was great fun to watch, but not to be on the receiving end of.
The tangerines were on self destruct, or were they????

With a goal advantage and a player advantage, the usual happened, a draw was drawing closer. Goals were scarce until the 17th minute, top drawer goals from Di Parma and Turbulletin, and the inevitable scorcher which gave the green light for the relieved John Motson in the booth, (who has been practising his South American celebration, ) Gooooooooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrreeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a-a!!!! It was contested for the full 90.
Late doors saw many controversial calls from the ever inconsistent refereee, Jorge Satantango. Conngiggskï tallied up 3 fouls, the highest of the season, all of which were followed by hollers of “diving fat bastard”, “Didier, Didier” and the usual bitchin’ you expect from athletes in his own team. "He went over like a wet soda bread", observed El Darrylinho back at the pavilion where the pundits enoyed the clement night air.

As mentioned coaching was of the highest order, “there were so many back doors it was a cat burglar's dream” commented a breathless Aderonskï quizzed by Garth Crooks on the touchline. However the set pieces were a complete shambles, the training ground work followed Turnbulletin’s skyed balls to the body shop along with a Ford Fiesta, Renault Scenic and Lee Sharp’s Bentley. Total cost estimated £35k.

Buffon (ITA) like goal keeping was on display all night, none more so than Gizzabaldi’s perhaps exaggerated yet effective dive to his left; goal bound it was and save of the game - all that was missing was a carefully placed black neck scarf and he was looking good to go.

Pesto Near miss award has to go to Roperaroo, a mountain of a man in defence, he looked like Steve Bruce in his day, striding forward to unleash a cannon ball; this one hit the bark and moved the whole weighted onion holder a record 7 inches from the goal-line. It could have, it should have, if only we had the proper goals????? Conspiracy? I think so.

It ended with a score; it ended with an embrace; it was a success; let’s just see how many of these money hungry ladz are here next week and how many have been poached. Then again this is football and this is the modern game. "You feel for the players tonight Gary, not at the Euros, stuck on the bus with their nintendo DS's, up here to do their bit, giving a bit back, but at the end of the day this football club's about giving in every dimension, in every department, and you've got to hand it to the stand-in gaffer tonight for keeping on giving so that the Dynamos could keep on giving with interest until the final whistle. And that's not the end of them. They'll be back next week. When will this stop!? Please...can I go now?," commented Fr. Gavin Peacock.