Economic downturn finally hits Dynamos

Real Cruzcampo 7
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8

Thrift was the theme both on and off the pitch tonight as the Dynamos neither wasted nor wanted in their 8-7 last minute victory against La Liga galacticos Real Cruzcampo. Foremost among them was Nicolas ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! making his first return to the El Gelatos stadium since his transfer to the Premiership and Champions League title holders. With Juande Vamos hoping for revenge on his former employers he tried a 'Ferguson', playing the dream four up-front of Rudder, Al Kinghali, Gilesinho and Hoganifemimartins. The gamble looked to be paying off when ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! decided ¡Basta! and struck a curling, swerving bowl of paella (his fourth serving of the night) into the top corner. The PotM award was his.

Forgettable evening for Bednapp as pundits fail to show and moon landing replaces football

This game remains a mystery. Stunned TV viewers tuned in to hear the views of the usual expert pundits only to be greeted by silence and a feature on the moon landing. Some of our players weren't even born then, good grief. Those that were are no doubt even more shocked to have their performance eclipsed by a replay, in the words of Hoganfeminartins, of this "desert hoax".

Dynamos wow School Summer Fayre

Not for these players the usual haunts of the pre-season professional footballer. No, for the resting Dynamos legends this is a time to give back. Thus the children at this London primary were treated to the sight of their heroes today at their Summer Fayre. Jean-Michel Turnbulletin as usual led the attack,only instead of pinging the ball into the furthest reaches of the opponents' net he was staffing the toy stall and selling off a whole load of tat to punters only too eager to part with their spangles. "I set out my stall early doors, Gary", explained the part-time crooner and full-time thorn in the side of premiership rivals as he broke off from his rendition of 'Halleluliah' . Telesavalas Rudder was also on hand, parting with an unspecified but considerable sum at the coconut shy in order to secure an inflatable walrus. Gizzabaldi was quick to scoop up innumerable trinkets, many of which he purchased at "a reasonable price". Striding about the Fayre like a colossus was Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, who laughed off his failure to convert any of his five penalties at the 'Chris Waddle Wild West shoot-out challenge' by saying "it's just a bit of a laugh really, and the goalkeeper is only 5 so I didn't apply myself fully". New signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele bought an impressive array of temporary tattoos. The children had a wonderful time and it is a mark of these players' characters that they blended in to the extent that few at the Fayre seemed fazed to have such legends in their midst. Keep giving Dynamos!

Dynamos draw against former selves

Dynamostaropremium 2009 4
Dynamostaropremium 1999 4

In a highly unorthodox pre-season warm-up tactic Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp sent out his current crop of overpaid clothes horses and preening prima donnas to play against their former selves. The idea was the brainchild of Jan Hoganfemimartins who selected the teams tonight in this exhibition match played in front of a Pimms-sozzled home crowd happy to forsake lager in the name of science. Coupled with the other therapeutic element introduced to the dressing room by the absent 'Smiler' Pantonioni the team psychotherapist teamed up with the club's logistics manager to set up this extraordinary game across the decades. "Playing against myself is something I often feel I am doing on a weekly basis" observed Conngiggski, "so basically this was no different." "Still falling over yourself then?" quipped Garth Crooks. "Ha ha ha ha" responded the 2009 version of the journeyman winger. The Gilesinho of 1999 canceled out his latter day incarnation for 90 minutes until in the dying seconds he secured the draw the 2009 side deserved. "I am not going to beat myself up over this" said Turnbulletin 1999, "but I've got to hand it to myself that I have emerged out of this experiment with at least one of my heads held high." Some were not so fortunate: Gizzabaldi still fought his demons down the flanks, while new signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele initially found it difficult to find his former feet and Garrattino's 1999 self easily snuffed out the stepovers of Garrattino 2009. "Nobody did stepovers in 1999, not on my patch anyway," quipped the 1999 version, "and I'm damned if I'm going to let some upstart try it on me now". "Larry Bednapp's created a monster here" warned Ally Hansen in the post-match analysis, "he's forced the Dynamos to look at themselves in an old light, and from a therapeutic point of view that's just unbullievable."

Video evidence secures draw for creaky vets

Andorra Reserves 8
Dynamostaropremium 8

A video-assisted recount of the goals gave the Andorran minnows the result of a lifetime as they held the might of the Dynamos to a draw in the tiny principality. The match was lit up by a superlative solo effort by Canwinjones.

Dynamos demolish Britain's Got Talent hasbeens

Dynamostaropremium AFC 8
Britain's Got Talent selection 2

The pre-season period is always a period for reflection and giving something back. This year is proving no exception as the Dynamos gave their time over to charity this evening, playing a team drawn from failed participants in the popular TV programme. The charity stopped there however. Gilesinho, playing like a man auditioning for a future series, put on a show for the fans tonight which put the wannabee panto nano-celebs in their place. Interspersing the individual goals which comprised his hat-trick with one-liners and smooth repartee, he compered the evening like a combination of Lineker and Ole Blue Eyes himself. Regrets, he had a few...no he rewrote the lyrics tonight exposing gaps in Talent's defence and stealing the show. The sad Talent turnips were simply no match for the Dynamos tonight. Despite the presence of Simon Cowell in goal, Robbie Williams at left back, Gordons Ramsey in the engine room, and Susan Boyle leading the attack Talent were outplayed in every department by the Premiership and Champions League title holders.

Dynamos legend donates takings to charity but leaves Allotments with no options

Dynamo Staropremium Premium Star Selection 7
Allotment Supplies and Sundries FC 6

As befits a big occasion the Dynamos fielded a star selection tonight for Albie Cahillisto’s testimonial. The script appeared to have been written with the great man opening the scoring with a true striker’s goal. The Dynamos threatened to overrun Allotment’s usually robust and hardy perennial defence. Soon enough however the seasons seemed to turn and with a bit of judicious weeding administered by Coweyscatsi, Canwinjones and Wolfkaiser the Allotments put the boot on the other foot and started to inundate the Dynamos D with produce straight from the back of the stall. Onions, parsnips and finest radishes were thrown at the goalmouth. The bark was hit from every angle but somehow it was not to be their night. Coweyscatsi however, turned on a sixpence in the middle of the park before setting off on a powerful run which tore through the heart of the Dynamos defence. Then it was pruning season once again for the Allotments as Player of the Match Gilesinho picked off two peaches of goals from the wide areas and with Norwegian wizard Bunyanson indomitable in midfield and Burritah on song, Gilesinho completed a star performance with an assist for the otherwise wayward Gizzabaldi to score an unlikely goal. The hapless lad had to be cautioned for berating Canwinjones for an imaginary slight. “The lad’s off to the Priory with wassername off the telly to recuperate and meet face to face the demons in his head” commented Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp. Late doors the Allotments rallied but their finest veg was wastefully propelled into the neighbouring fields.

The testimonial was followed by a celebration at an exclusive South east London eaterie, where Cahillisto was inducted into the Dynamo Staropremium Hall of Fame, Junior rank. Vowing to return after his predicted 5 year loan deal to Perth Plasmas to continue his career with the Dynamos, he made a commitment to players and fans to one day earn his place at the top table of this elite footballing institution, the Hall of Fame proper. “This is a big football club and it will always be a pleasure to sit eating prawn sandwiches in the director’s box when I visit. Just remember: whatever you do: Give Him An Option!”