Dynamo Staropremium AFC: Italian influence restores fantazia to the Arena

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 12

Colors of Benetton Utd 4

Flavio Acapella’s decision to adopt Trapattoni’s catenaccio philosophy backfired spectacularly at the Arena tonight. The door may indeed have been bolted but the key was left in the possession of the opposition. After the match many, including Jan Hoganfemimartins returning after a lean spell on Merseyside, called for a shortening of the pitch, with the players remaining where they stood – the only way to defend against Garrattino tonight being to exclude him from the field of play entirely. His years in Serie A paid dividends with a double ‘hat-trick’ and an extra one just to be sure. For the visitors the spectre of the Lampard-Gerrard debate was once again haunting the middle of the park. Norwegian wizard Bunyanson and Wolfkaiser did not cohere in a manner befitting their...coherence. Canwinjones rampaged forward but skyed two balls in quick succession. Gilesinho was expert at drawing the defenders, “the only problem was he kept going back to colour them in” as Coweyscatsi later observed in a post-match interview. Conngiggski patrolled the edge of the D with his characteristic Berbatovian sulk but, to his credit, scored one of his soufflé-assisted volleys. Cahillisto played in the hole but not even he could dig out the onions to fill the Dynamostaropremium sack which was kept tightly closed by the legendary El gato, Coweyscatsi. And so to the Dynamos: in the words of Trapattoni this was football as Fantazia. Building themselves astride Al Kinghali’s channel down the left flank, new signing Tomar Shavin combined with Gizzabaldi and Campellese to feed the premiership’s new striking partnership Garrattino and Pantonioni. No sooner had they served up an anti-pasti of selected cured meats than the hungry forwards demanded a primo, segundo and so on through a 12-course menu of mouthwatering football finishing. Starved of such sustenance throughout the match, back at the pavilion Bunyanson reflected over his pizza on the part played by facial hair in the Dynamos’ victory. Pantonioni’s newly grown and expansive set of handlebar beardlets seemed to have given him an edge up-front, stabilising the Italian legend and restoring a centre of gravity believed to have been mislaid during the 2001-2 Champions League campaign. He added his fears concerning Gizzabaldi’s beard, expressing the hope that he would not adopt an ear-to-ear ‘smeard’ (smile-beard), as the combination would be overwhelming. As befits a match graced by Tomar Arshavin the post-match analysis was dominated by metaphors from the world of fashion. “The shirts of Colors of Benetton Utd are just all over the place. Unbullievable” said Ally Hansen.