Bungs claims rock Arena

Debit:

Pitch: 408
Equipment: 36


Credit:

Gate receipts: 446
(of which season ticket holders: 385; pay-as-you-go: 61)

Charitable donation: 10

Balance: 12

Any season ticket holders not yet paid?

Makkapakka rues missed opportunities

FC 20 20 4
Dynamo Staropremium AFC 8

Champions League quarter final, second leg


Despite 7 away goals Makkapakka MacClaren's FC 20 20 went out as Dynamo Staropremium's new management and coaching model seemed to have taken immediate effect. Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp's half-time talk did the trick as his overpaid clothes horses ended Makkapakka's European dream. Bovril PotM went to Jean-Michel Turnbulletin, while the Southall (headband) once more crowned Coweyscatsi; the James went to Conngiggski.

Breaking news: new coaching and management model

Wolfgang Wolfkaiser has commissioned this special report on the coaching and management model currently in operation at the club. Here are the findings:

In the almost two years since the establishment of Dynamo Staropremium AFC as a competitive football league club we have undoubtedly made great strides: the development of our on-field fitness and technical abilities, new clubhouse (Half Moon), new dietary regime (pizzas replacing crisps), continued investments into training facilities (balls, bibs etc.).

Time to rest on our laurels? Not us! In order to take the next step and actually compete for European honours we need to focus more on other, so far neglected, aspects of the game, in particular the coaching and management side. We are talking tactics and motivation, getting the best out of the players and how to turn games around at half time via tactical tweaks and inspirational team talks. I've assembled a 'man management / player motivation' workshop with two instructional videos by master manager John Sitton (Leyton Orient) followed by a step-by step analysis of his skills by industry observers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg_lPJ8hHP0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obixCOVTVwY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YE5mEDcjM6s

Marvellous. We should be looking to put some of what we've learnt in this workshop in practice next Monday.

Ron Manager

Dynamos unsparing in dispatch of Peckhamwoodpeckercider's poisoned chalice

One for the jurists to ponder: the Peckhamwoodpeckercider goalkeeper had adopted the mantle of Heliophilus pendulas (the hover fly or ‘fly keeper’) for the duration of his custodianship of the bark. Revelling in his liberty to stray beyond the official boundary of his domain, the fellow propelled himself bravely at the feet of Cahillisto to deflect the ball safely into the stands. Handball, admitted his teammates, one of whom seized the opportunity to jog to the sideline to take a draw from his pipe. Consternation ensued as referee Jorge Satantango blew his whistle and pointed to the spot. Now Gizzabaldi returned to the bark, retrieved his cap and awaited the strike. The former Perth Piranha deceived the stricken keeper with a delayed strike. “What an unsporting fellow” bellowed a rowdy section of the home crowd. With the high stakes of the modern game of Association Football it is perhaps inevitable that ‘gamesmanship’ should occasionally rear its head even in the ranks of the admirable Dynamos. But deceiving one’s opponent by “selling a dummy” is simply beyond the bounds of decency.

As the Peckhamwoodpeckerciders threw every man forward it was Coweyscatsi who stepped forward single-handedly to see off each fresh wave of goal-ward bound shots from the laces of the likes of Canwinjones, Conngiggskï and Campellese. He was an insurmountable obstacle and deserved the plaudits that tend to accompany the award of the Bovril man of the match, an award recently modernised by way of the introduction of the honorary 'headband' for goalkeeping excellence (AKA 'The Southall').

With Rudder steering the right flank, Norwegian wizard Bunyanson striding about the midfield like a colossus and Al-Kinghali and DiParma keeping Gizzabaldi and Stevie D 'quiet' this was an indomitable display by the Dynamos. New signing, local lad Tommy Crossly-Costly who has followed the Dynamos since he was able to crawl beneath the turnstile on the west stand, looked every inch the part of the sort of top-drawer players with which Larry Bednapp has simultaneously filled the Arena and emptied the coffers of the South-east London Premiership leaders this season.

On the plus-side for the visitors Canwinjones returned from injury to set off on a mazy run through the Dynamos defence before outwitting the temporary custodian of the bark with a well-executed Continental strike. Soon however the 'Cat' returned. Not even the trusty boot of Turnbulletin could level the match with Coweyscatsi simply playing on another level to those who would try to unravel the labyrinth he set before the jaunty lads in front of him. His pipe rarely out of his mouth, the feline keeper defied gravity, words and common sense. JT's 'hat-trick' was not sufficient to cause the scorekeeper to declare the match a draw and once again the Peckham'ciders face a fight to stay in the Premiership.

Makkapakka's FC 20 20 stun Dynamos

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 5
FC 20 20 7

Champions League quarter final first leg

This was one headline the pundits had already written. Makkapakka MacClaren's return at the helm of FC 20 20 to the Arena where he propelled the Dynamos to dizzy heights before it went down to the wire, having gone pear-shaped and a bit inclement and umbrella-ish. 'Shteve' wazh back. And it szhowed. At teh post-match press conference at the pavilion the former England supremo was in fine form. "Out of the blocksh comes Garrattino, shigned on loan during the transhfer window. Mr Shprucie, Mr Shteve Bruchie I mean, combined with Shparky, defensh combined with attack; attacking from defensh, Garrattino covered all the anglezh and all the phazhes and all the partsh of the park tonight, Shtepoverzh, runzh, tacklessh, and goalsssh, wonderful goalssh, each one conshtructed in a shed, ash if in a shed. Thish one a twisht and shout, a la Turnbulletin, thish one a shcoopy-doopy one, like an aish cream cone. And sucssh passhes, releasshed at optimum timing for hish forwardsh to shcore. A masheterclassh."

Bonitas on brink as Dynamos scrape together crumbs of the 'Larry effect'

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 7
Luverpuddle 5

Rafa Bonitas came to the Arena last night with the press having a field day with talk of Luvvapuddle’s jitters. Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp fielded a full-strength team with talismanic front-man Tim ‘Albie’ Cahillisto at his Cahillistest. Crowd trouble marred the early part of the game with Gizzabaldi taunting the Luvvapuddle following for not throwing the ball back for a throw-in. Luvvapuddle looked far from rudderless; on the contrary, with Telesavalas Rudder filling the gap left by the departure of Kinokeano, they streamed through the middle, leaving Waddolucci’s allotments intact. The lack of a natural target man however, of a Joe Jordan or an Emile Heskey meant that they were, errr...lacking something. Sandersoni’s return promised a galvanised midfield. With nothing to separate the teams at 3-3, Bednapp threw on Norwegian wizard Bunyanson. What a master-stroke. Soon enough the mystery of the fjords was at work and the Dynamos carved open Liverpuddle’s defence to run out 7-5 victors. Allie Hansen praised the “unbelievable defending from Coweyscatsi and Garrattino...I know the phrase top-drawer is overused but this was unbelievable, and as for Stevie D and Campellese in midfield. When their engines are running like they were tonight the Dynamos are untouchable”. “Rafa’s going to regret having sold Robbie Kinkeano, and if he ends up Rudderless too, with Larry Bednapp keen to take the lad back down to Dynamostaropremium, then it’ll be curtains on the title race” commented Jan Mölby back at the pavilion. “With the Dynamos now 7 points clear at the top, Bonitas’ Luvvapuddle have a lot to do. But this is big football club and with Rafa’s beard in great shape who knows what can happen. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this one go down to the wire” added Makkapakka Maclaren, whose FC 20 visit the Arena for next week’s European cash-cow borefest.

Scalori woe deepens as Camberwell routed by reborn Dynamos

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 7

Camberwell Utd 1

Papa Scalori, having made the trip south of the river to his new club, got a taste of tough love administered by the resurgent Dynamos. Having trousered large wads of almost worthless British pound notes (in denominations of 10 and higher) in his departure from the Bridge the gnomic Brazilian supremo failed to rally the relegation troubled Camberwell in this stirring derby fixture. Larry Bednapp's many re-signings flourished in the expanded allotments made available by the substitution of Waddoluci (who, in the merry-go-round of this year's Premiership, found himself resold to Camberwell having just been signed back by Bednapp the week before). Bednapp couldn't resist a swipe at Wolfkaiser however. Having seen the ex-Bayern legend fluff a gilt-edged opportunity early doors the japester quipped "it's not rocket science is it? Or braintraining DS. Or golf. No. It's a bloody game of football. " Highlights included a fracas in the wide areas involving Grosshopperzurich, Norwegian wizard Bunyanson and Conngiggski, a long distance hi-velocity toepoke by the first Premiership player to be known only by his domain name, www.misterwhippa, a fine strike by Burritahhh!, a late Coweyscatsi wonderstrike that rebounded off the bark and an altercation between off-field brothers-in-law Bunyanson and Canwinjones. Referee Jorge Satantanago had to step in to extract the former's elbow from the latter's ribcage. That Bunyanson escaped with a mere yellow is testament to his continued use of the mystery of the fjords in his inscrutable play. Following the consultation of video evidence referee Jorge Satantango reinstated the disallowed volleyed goal by Conngiggski, invoking the "sneaky D" rule for Gizzabaldi's cross. "There's an argument for using video evidence in cases like this" opined Andy Townsend. "Err, Andy they're already using it, wake up sunshine", replied Hansen back at the pavilion. Father Gavin Peacock attributed the improvements at the Arena to the guidance of Bednapp. "Larry's won the dressing room over. This is a big club". Seven goals were not enough for the Dynamos supremo however. "The showboating around the D was shameful. A bloody disgrace to this football club. Wait till I get them on the training ground on Monday".