Bednapp fury as Dynamos struggle to shake off party-animal tag

Dynamo Staropremium 6

Parsenal 1

Off the field events overshadowed this top of the Premiership encounter at the Arena with Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp personally administering breathalyser tests and run-the-straight-white-line manoeuvres (see picture, right) on his team in front of the Old Bill who were on standby “in case any ****er thinks he can turn up to play for this football club having necked a couple of swift Double Diamonds at the Hound and Parsnip on the way to the ground”. Having found only 3 first choice players over the limit Bednapp called back into the fold austerity-guru Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, the steering influence of Telesavalas Rudder and the galvanising moral guardianship of El Darrylinho to “represent three values of the modern game (see picture, right). You can’t imagine Maldini with lager pouring out his ear’ole taking the field against this Parsenal lot – young an’all as they are. At least with this trio on the park I am sure of the con’in’en’al approach to boozing being transmitted throughout the squad. I have also appointed ‘on-field ambassadors’ to keep the younger players known to be fond of a lager focused on other non-alcoholic rewards after they have expensively chased a ball about the sward for 90 or so”. The message was clearly delivered as the reduction of units of alcohol coupled with experience made short shrift of Orson Wrangler’s Parsenal teenage XI. Look and learn seemed to be the motto of Bednapp’s clear-headed charges. Goals of the match dispatched with aplomb by Garrattino with a twist on the edge of the D with special appearance by a certain Mr Whippy one scoop or two and a reformed Pantonioni proving he can make the ball travel along a straight line with a pile-driver from 30 yards. Yowsa! Reports of a as-yet unidentified Dynamos player emerging after a "pint of soda water, one pub-sized Chardonnay, an Adnams shandy and a half a flaming Sambuka" emerged on MotD2 as Jan Molby reported stationed outside the H**f M**n pub. "Larry ain't going to be best pleased with this display from someone from this football blub who frankly mr shankly should know better. If the player had only replaced the Adnams or the half a Sambuka with a beverage from the lighter side of the spectrum then he'd be alrighty. But as it appens he's docked two weeks' wages and got an earful from arry". Ally Hansen commented "unbullievable!".