Whitevan United 5
What a dismal night for Whitevan United who with 90 minutes on the clock were holding the might of Dynamostaropremium, the champions-elect to a draw, with prospect of a point enough to secure them Premiership survival. The pitch tonight brimmed full with overpaid, preening and petulant talent. As Gavin Peacock observed in a sermon earlier that day, "it could easily go Pete Tong, the stadium is not big enough to hold in these personalities". The massive crowd at the Kip end was only equaled by the liveried pros on the park. What a sight! It was a battle ground from the off. However, unlike in previous weeks, both sides showed up this time, good and proper.
Wolfkaiser treated the home crowd to an early warm-up, giving them an extra 3 scissor runs down the flanks as Celine Dion belted out a rousing power-ballad on the tannoy. The opposition did not like this one little bit. Bibs on, game on! Blimey, it was tight, FIFA officials intervening after 10 minutes of wild football, for health and safety reasons. Ballix Smuggerson, the visiting manager, was doing his pieces in the dugout, Orbit extra cool being strewn all over the shop. Tony Cascarino and Andy Townsend's touchline interview area had to be moved to allow for the expansion of the pitch.
How this changed the game! It made it a delight for all who were witness to this feast of flair. "Defences were opened, wide areas became wide and it was end to end and back again" opined Andy Gray.
Goals were scarce, but controversy was plentiful. The ball ping ponged around the sward: high ball, sliding tackles, simulation and down-right petulance, Oh it was the business. The teams were feeling the game and the crowd responded.
Early doors, a rare free kick was awarded, later on another, followed by a penalty, given for encroachment of the D by El Darrylinho. All were an insult to the paying loyal crowd. Shocking efforts every last one of them. The tense evening nearly bubbled over into a mass slagging match between the two teams. At the eye of the storm referee Jorge Satantango had stern words with Conngiggski and Gizzabaldi who were ripping into the opposition with a Drogba-Ballack scripted litany of conspiracy theories.
“It’s great to see such passion for the badge this late on in the season", Bruce Grobbelaar said from his seat at Paddy Powers Betting shop.Yellow cards for both and a week of boot cleaning will hopefully calm these men down for the next, if not then we could witness our first Red of the season. "Someone needs to have a word" Smartin O'Neil stated in the studio. Amidst the mayhem moments of calm: Turnbulletin once more turned, like the French Elvis in his prime, to twist the sphere into the top corner,
Sandersoni hit a belter from 35 yards and Tomar Shavin once more proved his fashion sense with a very ‘now’ 25 yarder ‘on the valve’. 
Possible goal of the match came off the boot of Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, though Rudder managed to steer one in at the far post in a barnstorming phase of the game when he could do no wrong. They shared the PotM award. For the visitors Al Kinghali flashed one in from the left flank. Tasty, but it was not to be. Larry Bednapp’s night was ruined however when “some senior squad members” were seen tumbling out of the H***f M**n pub late doors, “one falling into the flower-box sustaining minor injury to his elbow” and another “thinking he was hailing a taxi when he was in fact waving at the wheely bin outside the takeaway”, reported Jan Mölby.
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