Shearer's Whitney Houston gamble fails to deliver as Pewcastle fall to Dynamos

Pewcastle Utd 8
Dynamostaropremium AFC 10

It was billed as the dream team for the Toon army but Shearer and Whitney Houston ultimately failed to keep Pewcastle in the top tier. Against a Dynamos side featuring only four of the first choice 11, the home side defence was exposed early, middle and late doors.
"Duff" quipped El Darrylinho as he picked one out of the back of the net. "It's the first time we've had a manager round here for months" said Sandersoni, "Houston has won the dressing room over with motivational ballads and just as she has fought her demons and won so also did we think we would have the final say against ours" - and that was just dropping Joey Barton. Imagine the task faced by the diva trying to sort out Pewcastle's midfield. "Anonymous, android, anticlimactic and average" was the verdict of Ally Hansen. Conngiggski won the Ahh Bisto! goal of the match statuette with a flick over the shoulder of the defender and volley, protests waved away by referee Jorge Satantango, while Marmite MotM went to Hoganfemimartins, whose transfer from the Magpies to the Dynamos was already looking a done deal, and the Southall headband decorated the head of Campellese. With the Dynamos having already secured the Premiership title Larry Bednapp was sympathetic to the plight of Toon. "if there is one thing I know about Whitney Houston is that she and Toon will be back in the top flight next season. You mark my words" he reported to Chris Widdle.

Dynamos drive Whitevan to brink as both managers do their pieces and the toys come out of the pram

Dynamostaropremium AFC 6
Whitevan United 5


What a dismal night for Whitevan United who with 90 minutes on the clock were holding the might of Dynamostaropremium, the champions-elect to a draw, with prospect of a point enough to secure them Premiership survival. The pitch tonight brimmed full with overpaid, preening and petulant talent. As Gavin Peacock observed in a sermon earlier that day, "it could easily go Pete Tong, the stadium is not big enough to hold in these personalities". The massive crowd at the Kip end was only equaled by the liveried pros on the park. What a sight! It was a battle ground from the off. However, unlike in previous weeks, both sides showed up this time, good and proper.

Wolfkaiser treated the home crowd to an early warm-up, giving them an extra 3 scissor runs down the flanks as Celine Dion belted out a rousing power-ballad on the tannoy. The opposition did not like this one little bit. Bibs on, game on! Blimey, it was tight, FIFA officials intervening after 10 minutes of wild football, for health and safety reasons. Ballix Smuggerson, the visiting manager, was doing his pieces in the dugout, Orbit extra cool being strewn all over the shop. Tony Cascarino and Andy Townsend's touchline interview area had to be moved to allow for the expansion of the pitch. How this changed the game! It made it a delight for all who were witness to this feast of flair. "Defences were opened, wide areas became wide and it was end to end and back again" opined Andy Gray.

Goals were scarce, but controversy was plentiful. The ball ping ponged around the sward: high ball, sliding tackles, simulation and down-right petulance, Oh it was the business. The teams were feeling the game and the crowd responded.

Early doors, a rare free kick was awarded, later on another, followed by a penalty, given for encroachment of the D by El Darrylinho. All were an insult to the paying loyal crowd. Shocking efforts every last one of them. The tense evening nearly bubbled over into a mass slagging match between the two teams. At the eye of the storm referee Jorge Satantango had stern words with Conngiggski and Gizzabaldi who were ripping into the opposition with a Drogba-Ballack scripted litany of conspiracy theories. “It’s great to see such passion for the badge this late on in the season", Bruce Grobbelaar said from his seat at Paddy Powers Betting shop.
Yellow cards for both and a week of boot cleaning will hopefully calm these men down for the next, if not then we could witness our first Red of the season. "Someone needs to have a word" Smartin O'Neil stated in the studio. Amidst the mayhem moments of calm: Turnbulletin once more turned, like the French Elvis in his prime, to twist the sphere into the top corner, Sandersoni hit a belter from 35 yards and Tomar Shavin once more proved his fashion sense with a very ‘now’ 25 yarder ‘on the valve’.

Possible goal of the match came off the boot of Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, though Rudder managed to steer one in at the far post in a barnstorming phase of the game when he could do no wrong. They shared the PotM award. For the visitors Al Kinghali flashed one in from the left flank. Tasty, but it was not to be. Larry Bednapp’s night was ruined however when “some senior squad members” were seen tumbling out of the H***f M**n pub late doors, “one falling into the flower-box sustaining minor injury to his elbow” and another “thinking he was hailing a taxi when he was in fact waving at the wheely bin outside the takeaway”, reported Jan Mölby.

Bednapp fury as Dynamos struggle to shake off party-animal tag

Dynamo Staropremium 6

Parsenal 1

Off the field events overshadowed this top of the Premiership encounter at the Arena with Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp personally administering breathalyser tests and run-the-straight-white-line manoeuvres (see picture, right) on his team in front of the Old Bill who were on standby “in case any ****er thinks he can turn up to play for this football club having necked a couple of swift Double Diamonds at the Hound and Parsnip on the way to the ground”. Having found only 3 first choice players over the limit Bednapp called back into the fold austerity-guru Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, the steering influence of Telesavalas Rudder and the galvanising moral guardianship of El Darrylinho to “represent three values of the modern game (see picture, right). You can’t imagine Maldini with lager pouring out his ear’ole taking the field against this Parsenal lot – young an’all as they are. At least with this trio on the park I am sure of the con’in’en’al approach to boozing being transmitted throughout the squad. I have also appointed ‘on-field ambassadors’ to keep the younger players known to be fond of a lager focused on other non-alcoholic rewards after they have expensively chased a ball about the sward for 90 or so”. The message was clearly delivered as the reduction of units of alcohol coupled with experience made short shrift of Orson Wrangler’s Parsenal teenage XI. Look and learn seemed to be the motto of Bednapp’s clear-headed charges. Goals of the match dispatched with aplomb by Garrattino with a twist on the edge of the D with special appearance by a certain Mr Whippy one scoop or two and a reformed Pantonioni proving he can make the ball travel along a straight line with a pile-driver from 30 yards. Yowsa! Reports of a as-yet unidentified Dynamos player emerging after a "pint of soda water, one pub-sized Chardonnay, an Adnams shandy and a half a flaming Sambuka" emerged on MotD2 as Jan Molby reported stationed outside the H**f M**n pub. "Larry ain't going to be best pleased with this display from someone from this football blub who frankly mr shankly should know better. If the player had only replaced the Adnams or the half a Sambuka with a beverage from the lighter side of the spectrum then he'd be alrighty. But as it appens he's docked two weeks' wages and got an earful from arry". Ally Hansen commented "unbullievable!".

'Giggski does a Didier as Dynamos Ballack Barca despite El Gato

Barsylona 5
Dynamostaropremium AFC 5

Champions League semi final second leg
Dynamostaropremium go through on away goals

What a humdinger of a stalemate was served up at the Nou Camp tonight.. The visitors, blighted by injury, Stamford Bridge and television, put out a fledgling side. Reports suggest that Larry Bednapp funneled the power of a Chas n' Dave compilation into the dressing-room motivational ipod docks of the players. The nano my-little-pony power delivered by the pods somehow countered the va-va-voom of Tea-airy Henri and the match ended 'Shaky Stevens', the away goals favouring Larry Bednapp's charges. Try telling that to Conngiggski as he 'spun' off the Wolfkaiser to win the game only for referee Jorge Satantango to disallow. As the legendary journeyman winger linked his hands to form the Anelka 'Dove' and ran to the corner flag to kiss the badge he quickly moved into 'Didier' mode (no, not the diving, though "he's up for an Oscar nomination every week" according to Andy Townsend), remonstrating with the camera crew, the sprinkler operator and the fourth official. Perhaps he should take a lesson out of the songbook of personal hero Red Hurley. That man never faked a minute of his time in the limelight. Ballack Wolfkaiser chased after the referee. Satantango, unaccustomed to such pursuit, threw a range of cards at the incensed former Bayern legend. "Who are ya? Who are ya?!" bayed the crowd. And they were right. Who were they after all? Barsylonas and Dynamos seemed to blend in a great Europudding production. El Gato as usual played his part in the drama with saves out of his personalised Iberian top drawer, while Canwinjones was honoured with the Marmite PotM award.

Title race goes down to wire as 'Specials sink Dynamos

Claptonspecialbrew Athletic 10

Dynamostaropremium AFC 5

Following this setback to his team's title hopes, Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp refused to back down in his spat with the national team coach over the status of Telesavalas Rudder’s knee. Rudderless tonight the Dynamos floundered and fell 5 goals behind early doors. The home side played exhibition football approaching arrogant levels of showboating in the early stages. Tweaks to the rules regarding high balls continued to cause a degree of confusion not least in the mind of referee Jorge Satantango. Gizzabaldi was cautioned for throwing the ball into the face of Burritahhh!!!! while Canwinjones was lucky not to see red for a tackle on Cahillisto. A late rally by the Dynamos got them back to 7-5 with Garrattino scoring the goal of the match with a run from his own goal-line followed by a stepover and a showboating finish inspired by Grafite of Wolfsberg (isn't it?) in their 5-1 demolition of Bayern Munich a few days earlier (see link below). Cahillisto found his range again with a top-drawer turn to score from 25 yards. Gilesinho and Al Kinghali however both had a bit of an ‘Alves’. “It was a game of two Alves tonight Gary” opined Andy Townsend. “Alves 1 and Alves 2”. Garth Crooks put the quip to the strikers . Gilesinho said he "would take it in his stride. I can take a lot of positives out of this one". Al Kinghali vowed to "let my feet do the talking, and anyway Andy Townsend has been waiting all season to try this one on. Bad puns won't hurt a player of my caliber. I refuse to stoop to his level".

Goal of the season?:

http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=24700

Italian influence restores fantazia to the Arena

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 12

Colors of Benetton Utd 4

Flavio Acapella’s decision to adopt Trapattoni’s catenaccio philosophy backfired spectacularly at the Arena tonight. The door may indeed have been bolted but the key was left in the possession of the opposition. After the match many, including Jan Hoganfemimartins returning after a lean spell on Merseyside, called for a shortening of the pitch, with the players remaining where they stood – the only way to defend against Garrattino tonight being to exclude him from the field of play entirely. His years in Serie A paid dividends with a double ‘hat-trick’ and an extra one just to be sure. For the visitors the spectre of the Lampard-Gerrard debate was once again haunting the middle of the park. Norwegian wizard Bunyanson and Wolfkaiser did not cohere in a manner befitting their...coherence. Canwinjones rampaged forward but skyed two balls in quick succession. Gilesinho was expert at drawing the defenders, “the only problem was he kept going back to colour them in” as Coweyscatsi later observed in a post-match interview. Conngiggski patrolled the edge of the D with his characteristic Berbatovian sulk but, to his credit, scored one of his soufflé-assisted volleys. Cahillisto played in the hole but not even he could dig out the onions to fill the Dynamostaropremium sack which was kept tightly closed by the legendary El gato, Coweyscatsi. And so to the Dynamos: in the words of Trapattoni this was football as Fantazia. Building themselves astride Al Kinghali’s channel down the left flank, new signing Tomar Shavin combined with Gizzabaldi and Campellese to feed the premiership’s new striking partnership Garrattino and Pantonioni. No sooner had they served up an anti-pasti of selected cured meats than the hungry forwards demanded a primo, segundo and so on through a 12-course menu of mouthwatering football finishing. Starved of such sustenance throughout the match, back at the pavilion Bunyanson reflected over his pizza on the part played by facial hair in the Dynamos’ victory. Pantonioni’s newly grown and expansive set of handlebar beardlets seemed to have given him an edge up-front, stabilising the Italian legend and restoring a centre of gravity believed to have been mislaid during the 2001-2 Champions League campaign. He added his fears concerning Gizzabaldi’s beard, expressing the hope that he would not adopt an ear-to-ear ‘smeard’ (smile-beard), as the combination would be overwhelming. As befits a match graced by Tomar Arshavin the post-match analysis was dominated by metaphors from the world of fashion. “The shirts of Colors of Benetton Utd are just all over the place. Unbullievable” said Ally Hansen.

Bovril PotM went to Garratino

Ahh Bisto!! goal of the match: Gizzabaldi (subject to investigation by FIFA)

The Southall: Coweyscatsi

Dynamos outclass Villa as Clough wisdom fails to salve O'Neill's wounds

Gaviscon Villa 2
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8


Gaviscon Villa slipped further out of the premiership race as the Dynamos converted numerical advantage into the hard currency of balls in the onion sack. The visiting champions-elect hit 7 goals in 20 minutes to run out 8-2 victors. Tomarshavin Crosslycostly hit the Ahh Bisto! goal of the match from 25 yards and took away the Bovril PotM to boot. Freser Al Kinghali was a revelation 'tween the bark and secured himself the honour of a 'Southall' commemorative headband. Controversy was never far away with the home side complaining about the "unresponsive balls" but with several Dynamos players celebrating the newfound accuracy of their cross-field passes. Certainly row H behind the goals has never been as little visited by wayward shots as it was tonight. "It was a defender's worst nightmare tonight" commented Ally Hansen "a yellow lump of plastic hurtling into the box and it could have gone anywhere. Unbelievable". "FIFA are going to have to look at the new balls again. The purist is going to want to see a bit more arsing about and that just isn't possible with the new hi-viz toe-breakers" added Jan Molby. "Look, if new signing Tomarshavin Crosslycostly can hit the thing from 25 yards I don't see what all the fuss is about, and my players just didn't show up today and if you don't show up on the day there is absolutely no point in pulling on a tracksuit a v-neck will do, as Brian Clough used to say" commented Gaviscon Villa supremo, Smartin O'Neill.