Not just an ordinary festive fixture but a DSPAFC festive fixture

This was no ordinary game; it was a succulent, robust, mouth-watering, even tantalisingly mouthwatering D and S AFC football game. Christmas came early for those who braved the winter chill, where the frost was deep and crisp and even, much like the style of play on this memorable eve. The Advent calendars of the players popped open and amazed all. What a feast of football.

The pack of hardy red-nosed stalwarts arrived in their usual casual manner and yet we did field a strong 4v4. They were layered up to the hilt and there was even talk of some wearing the thermals!!!! There were hats, scarves, multiple socks, far-from subtle knitwear was unpacked and well-packed with rippling six-packs; basically it appeared that Christmas had indeed come early. Gilesinho took hold of the situation early doors and called for an Engerland IVs the Rest of the World/DSPAFC selection/wishlist. The overseas representatives bibbed up and took on the 3 Lions. No need for an interpreter here, make no mistake, the only language spoken was the language of football at its most advanced level. The bonding was instantaneous. It was On.

The RotW4 took advantage in the opening minutes, their energy levels being higher - they had obviously planned to unsettle the lions by converting the cold air into hand-warming shots from every point of the compass: the flair was there alright.But they soon became complacent, losing themselves in overindulgent runs, elaborate passing, discarded packaging and generally pissing about. However they were always a threat. Mainly to themselves. Conngiggskï, suffering with a bad dose of man flu, spent most of his time in the back of the 3-1 formation as they battled against the ever-changing Lions shape - sometimes a flat 4 and other times a diamond with a hint of a star on the horizon, leading them to glory or a close one anyway.

It was as ever a tight end with the lions making up for indiscretions early on and moving on the tricky surface like Torvill and Dean in Helsinki, or wherever. Wolfkaiser, however, took on all around him, and as ever his stockings were near to bursting with his gifted legs (what a gift for any team!). But his stuffed stockings were his downfall in missing an open goal, the selection box of an opportunity went a begging as he tried to remote control the ball into the net (watch out next time: batteries not inclued). Again the World 4 went for crowd pleasing above getting results: "appearance over substance" (Anon.). Tis a time for giving and all that but it was soon a case of Pantomime season on the half hour mark. Waddolucci had a jolly time ‘tween the sticks, thwarting multiple opportunities that the world had to sew up the last game of the season. High Ball, "Oh no it wasn’t"; "Backdoor" was replaced with a comical "He’s behind you!". "Never mind the gala dinner, this is a feast in itself", quipped Waddolucci as he skipped down the wing like an elf nipping off down the Lapland Arms while the gaffer slumbered in front of a bumper edition of Opportunity Knocks. It was Heston's perfect Christmas! Nigella's trip down to the festive fridge for a midnight feast. Mmmmmm! Oh the banter was at a new high. No need to take the elastic band off the minitature scroll containing a festive joke or limerick here to have a chuckle. No it was all laid on. "Oh no it wasn't!". Ho ho ho (that's enough now - Ed.)

Goals were too many to mention, to paraphrase the great Mick Hucknell, but Garrattino had a particularly cheeky Eggnog back-heel into the onion sack which will be remembered for all the right reasons. Oh yes it was a peach.

Waddolucci has cancelled his application for his allotment on the flanks after receiving multiple beautifully weighted passes in the open areas and has decided to go the DIY route. He scored a beauty early on but anyone who was there to witness the festive match this evening, saw what could have been THE goal of the season. He took the ball on the move, controlled and let fly with his trusted boot. It was blinding, it was curling, and it had a new home in the top right corner. But it was brushed on to the post and away for a corner by Conngiggskï’s reflex save. All present, including pitch no. 2, fell into a stunned silence, the squirrels glanced from the frosted ground, dropping their nuts, a crow stopped mid flight and fell into the centre circle. Swimmers in the nearby sports centre missed a stroke. It would have, it should have but it wasn’t to be.

On an evening which lived up to its billing on Radio 5 where Coweysqatsi was guest commentator, there were souffle-assisted volleys, intricate diagonal icing on the cake interplay (followed by finishes worthy of a drunken relative who's been sucking the cherry brandy bottle dry while "we're walking in the air" splurges out of the goggle box), plum puddings dispatched into the side netting and slices of cake that went down very well with the home crowd.

It was quite a game with little afters, much like the Gala Dinner, more of which later, or rather now.

The Gala Dinner was also a great success; the players quickly donned their festive football suits and headed to the pavilion. Drinks flowed, well much like any other Monday. The Superfoods were ordered and we had a fine old time. Apart from Wolfkaiser. The backroom nutritionist didn’t agree with his request and so had to wait 40 minutes to get a foodstuff he did not want. But his body is a temple. El Darrylinho, Roperaroo along with Campellese joined the carb-fest, despite having been on the treatment table all week, and regaled all those present with tales of their xmas shopping. What an auspicious sign glimmering in the sky it was that after all the transfers, possible moves abroad, a couple on Bosmans, others on buy-out clauses, that we could all sit down and discuss the season that had been so far, the festive season and the post-seasonal left-overs. Not a turkey in sight but trimmings, baubles and silverware all the way.

Gala Dinner and Awards Ceremony 2007

Dynamo Staropremium AFC Gala Dinner 2007

If the list of squad members reads like a who’s who of extraordinary footballing talent that’s because it is a list of extraordinary footballing talent extracted directly from the top drawer. The gala award ceremony is upon us! And the sticker goes to.....?


King Sunny-Ade Aderonskï
Freser Al-Kinghali
Michelangelo Campellese
Constantin Conngiggskï
Christiano Coweyscatsi
Marcus Garrattino
Gilberto Gilesinho
Gianluca Gizzabaldi
El Darrylinho
Jay-Jay Lohmann
Gianluigi di Parma
Adriano Roperaroo
Kirin Da Silva-Fox
Jean-Michel Turnbulletin
Michelangelo Waddolucci
Wolfgang Wolfkaiser

The ultimate of penultimates

The penultimate game of this long and hard-fought season was a scorcher. It was in the depths of winter but only the onlookers could have sensed any chill. What a night of football we encountered and all could gauge how far we had come. (Well the football correspondent drove from Saffron Waldon but that’s another matter, he’s had worse, East Norfolk comes to mind.) As they entered the players’ carpark the adrenaline was palpable, or tangible, or both, or was it just the output from the exhaust pipes of the array of Dulwich Tractors and Bentley Continentals? Waddolucci set out his stall early doors with a one touch reverse into bay no. 2 while Gizzabaldi – who still insists on driving a second hand saloon despite his rumoured 32 shillings a week contract – opted for a five touch manoeuvre which was, frankly Mr Shankly, a bit of a balls up. The three eager pros, Waddolucci, Wolfkaiser and Darrylinho looked encouragingly keen.
Yes please, bring on 8pm.

As they bibbed up and did the odd 23ft sprint the spirits were high, talk of last week’s encounter with pitch No2 was on the agenda together with the choice of sweet at the Gala Dinner next week. Not to mention dress code and sticker allocation.
They had the by now familiar and healthy 4v5 and it was ON. All cautiously welcomed back Wolfkaiser from his ill-fated but highly publicised move to the Darkside, last week. He had a lot of making up to do. The crowd gave him a muted reception. But he showed his true non-high-visibility colours later on. He knew on which side his bread was buttered. You can’t buy class, you live it and express it where it counts – on the pitch.

The game had a fluidity which we had rarely seen in recent weeks, crisp passes, movement off the ball and a little afters to boot. Oh it was dreamlike at times. The 4 took an early lead, then it was even, then again the lead then level and so on. You the readers know how it works. It ended with a thrilling 12-10, I think. But one could easily call it a draw. Let’s do that! (hey hold on a minute you can’t play God – Ed.)

There was a new found determination amongst some of the crew. Namely Conngiggskï and Aderonskï, who both have felt the influence of Da Silva Fox and Pitch No2 in recent weeks. They went for everything, even lost causes. By the way, in post-match discussion with Conngiggski, he announced himself “flabbergasted” by his lunging sliding goal on the D being disallowed, having only heard of it at the post match. "Bastards" (Anon.).

As mentioned Wolfkaiser won back some of the crowd with his extendable and retractable interceptor-legs as they stopped everything that attempted to bypass them. He doesn't have a Mystic Force Power Ranger named after him for nothing. Aderonskï scored a triple and a half brace (estimate) and was a predator from even a full 43 yards. The five looked at times to be unsure what to do with the extra man. Waddolucci, who in recent times has threatened to build an allotment on the right flank, with the space available, has now got planning permission for three four story apartments on the field of dreams. The service was not there. A “flankless task” one pavilion punter stated.

The injury, or alleged injury, to the returning to form Darrylinho saw him between the sticks for a full 75mins. He was the new protector. The Terminator. The gladiator of the 4. He was the lynchpin in a side intent on seizing the crumbs of a draw from the jaws of the DSPAFC yuletide bird table and fake snow dispenser victory in the making. The 4 were under the sleigh for the final 10mins - it was reminiscent of a works Paintball Day out, with the MD getting pelted from left, right and centre. Our Master of Defence was bruised all over but his pride stayed intact. What a find, what a Jewel in the crown, what a diamond in the rough diamond formation. The names Neville and Southall were invoked, in that order. Nuff said. More please.

DSPAFC stalwarts Garrattino, Lohmann and Al-Kinghali and Waddolucci (the latter like his near namesake, Waddle, in the 1989 FA cup fourth round cup tie shamefully underused, as previously mentioned) all swept forward and sideways together like a Bobby Charlton comb-over, and pounced on the leave-takings of Darrylinho to send the home side’s goal tally into double figures. “Dizzy, I’m so Dizzy” sang the home crowd.

The post match was an interesting one. Only a 5 strong squad, but strong we were. Conversation turned to global warming, Bryan Robson making Merson and Gazza roomies in their Boro days and Paul McGrath having a bodyguard to prevent him from the sauce from Thursday to Saturday, which practice Gizzabaldi immediately adopted by getting rid of any open bottles when we got back to the lodgings.

The pundits analysed the Crown and Greyhound menu and singled out the new signings in the starters and some old favourites in the mains. They had Peacock's Three As: Advancement, Awareness and Ability. The Gala evening approaches: Pasta, Protein, Carbs, horseradish mayo, maris piper chips and alioi, all the trimmings, and plenty of liquids. Nod off with a warm sherry in front of Gabby's speech on MotD3?
Lovely.

The fourth official writes: “On examination of the video evidence and putting at our disposal the latest technology from NASA we are able to reverse the disallowed goal by Conngiggskï, making the end result 10-9. Moreover the controversial decision by referee Jorge Satantango to award a penalty for the handling outside the D by the away team goalkeeper is now adjudged to have been an error. The rebound scored by Gizzabaldi is hereby disallowed, which gives the result of 9-9, making it, as I understand it is known, another classic.”

With his goal reinstated Conngiggskï’s tally rose to a hat-trick and 1/3. For this and his mazy runs (often cleverly disguised as jogs), shots from all angles, and 4 shots off the woodwork he was, by unanimous decision, the official Marmite PotM (sticker). The United keeper lived up to the “Brave Darrylinho” moniker he earned last season with a performance straight out of the top drawer and he is duly awarded a Southall (sticker and hairband). Aderonskï was on a different planet, defying several laws of physics and totted up a goal tally which even the Arena statisticians could not keep track of. We’ll have to dig deep to find a sticker to cover such a performance.

Word on the tabloid street is that DSPAFC are to appeal both of the decisions made by the video referee (the peerless Jorge Satantango will have something to say about it too), while Colours of Benetton Utd, as a result if the overruling by video evidence, now find themselves even on points and on goal difference at the top of the table (as befits two teams often confused with one another). What a situation to be in going in to the last match before the Christmas break.

Like a hungover relative faced with a large festive tin of Quality Street, the pundits will be poring over the contents list to find the good ones, but unlike a large festive tin of Quality Street it’s unlikely they’ll want to discard anything from next week’s selection-box-Christmas-cracker-with-cranberry-sauce-in-the-wide-areas (pending planning permission) yuletide jamboree of festive footballing excellence.

Pastures new on pitch number 2

It was brave, it was daunting, it was challenging but it was a thrilling evening for the chaps of DSPAFC. They came kitted out, with their usual keenness for the Monday night encounter, but what was ahead of them was a whole new ball game. A game of many halves, of many challenges and the learning curve was steep beyond belief. It was vertical. Alton Towers has nothing compared to the thrill of the velocity of not only determination but pride in the badge which these sportsmen underwent this night. It was MAC 4.

It began as per normal, straggling onto the field of many dreams with a mere 4 arriving before the 8.15 watershed. We were approached by an agent. “Are you short tonight? Do you want to play with us?”. It brought back many memories of my far distant past. “No you can’t go out to play” muttered the DSPAFC Superego. We came together in a Chelsea-like Mourinho-influenced huddle and eventually agreed to go to pastures new, Pitch No. 2.

We had, eventually, a strong 8, Vs their 5. It was ON.
It was obvious even before the off, the numbers did not stack up. We had to do some tactical readjustments. Initially Woolard-Aderonski offered himself up for a cameo role with the High-Visibility United opponents, but to the amazement of all, the Wolf, the protector of the Holy Grail of the Three-posted Nirvana, offered not only his skills, his soul but also potentially his new 13yr contract to the enemy. He looked good it must be said, in the High Vis home strip, but it sent shudders down the spines and back up the toned abs of the Dynamos. Tickly!

It was a great start, with the home side taking an early lead through the almost birthday boy, Gizzabaldi. The strike of a man with no celebration in mind but that of the greater good of his team. A glorious start, followed by a sweeping move which saw the visitors into a 2 goal lead via an expertly converted chance by Gilesinho. They were playing the home side off the park.

And that was it, in regards to goals for a long spell. The rivals rallied however and should have been 5-2 up within 25mins was it not for the heroics of Conngiggskï (no editorial influence here, but let’s be fair) and the star keeper of the night Garrattino. The Cat! Dino Zoff in his pomp! Mervyn Day (on a good day)!

Aderonskï was a Tony Adams in disguise this night. Directing, Shouting, and pointing (even swearing). He was a colossus in the dream team. His knowledge and control from the back were paying dividends. We were, it must be said, looking good. Crisp, fluent and moving. Tempo tempo tempo! But the end product was not quite there. Gilesinho was looking like a young Lee Sharpe (before his Love Island, Hair Transplant endorsing time, but at his peak as a Coke-snorting, raving, highly tuned, wonderfully coiffed footballer straight out of the top drawer). He was on fire. We were playing for our badge with pride.

The vertical tuition spiralled to a desperate level, when we reached rock bottom. Trailing 5-2 within a mere ten minutes left on the clock. The doom we envisaged was further enhanced by Wolfkaiser’s showboating on the edge of the D with step-overs and involutes worthy of Little Littbarski in his pomp, and multiple goal scoring. He was loving his new challenge and boy will he live to regret it at the Xmas Players’ Dinner and Dancing soirée. “He seemed a little too familiar to his new team-mates “(Anon). Everything went through the new signing from Bayern. “Give it to Wolf, Wolf is Free, where is Wolf???”

Let’s await the movements during the January window. All could become clear.
The home side on the night were competent, let’s not dispute this factor, but the David Beckham, mohawlk fella was a “one trick pony” (Anon) with no fewer that 32 sideways-backheels performed on the night.

As the floodlights headed toward shutdown the DSPAFC 6 summoned everything they had for one last effort. Surging forward like the Stoke City team of 1974 they carved open the HiVis Utd back 4 like squirrels tucking into their store of nuts and berries. Al Kinghali ghosted in for a sidefooter. 5-3. Then a sweeping counter-attack straight out of the Ardiles-Villa handbook circa 1977. Garrattino, the Schmeichel-like wonderboy, to Conngiggskï who has cut down on the shimmies and stepovers tonight sensing what is at stake, to Coweyscatsi (unlucky earlier with his trademark 25-yarder onto the post), looking confident on the ball now, deftly past the Mohawk, to Gilesinho who looks up, come on lads he seems to be saying, feel your badge branding your chest like that one mince pie too many at the office party, and who was there: Al-Kinghali to receive the ball and he pirouettes the ball off to Gizzabaldi who zigs down the line, forgetting to zag, oh but he seems to know what he’s doing, there’s the cross to the rampaging Aderonskï who enterprisingly hits it first time like a hot toddy down the hatch. Oh it’s too hot to handle for Mohawk and it’s there. 5-4. Again the DSPAFC heroes surged forward. A disputed foul on the edge of D with who else but Gizzabaldi tumbling and looking to referee Jorge Satantango. The fourth official has been controversially emailed via the ref’s Blackberry. Time seems to stand still. He points for the free kick, Gizzabaldi dummies it right to Garrattino. He's just over with a side-footer due to the inferior replacement ball which the home side had introduced. The final whistle sounds at the Arena and it's all over bar the punditry. They'll be debating that ball-replacement for some time to come.

There was much to relish back at the pavilion - and it wasn't just the seasonal spread laid on by Coweyscatsi - where the Marmite PotM award went by unanimous (sshhome misshhtake sshhurely) decision to both A. Woolard-Aderonski (sticker) and W. Wolfkaiser (sticker withheld until after the January window). An extra PotM award went to the whole DSPAFC team (stickers), with the David James award for flamboyant goalkeeping going to M. Garrattino.