The ultimate of penultimates

The penultimate game of this long and hard-fought season was a scorcher. It was in the depths of winter but only the onlookers could have sensed any chill. What a night of football we encountered and all could gauge how far we had come. (Well the football correspondent drove from Saffron Waldon but that’s another matter, he’s had worse, East Norfolk comes to mind.) As they entered the players’ carpark the adrenaline was palpable, or tangible, or both, or was it just the output from the exhaust pipes of the array of Dulwich Tractors and Bentley Continentals? Waddolucci set out his stall early doors with a one touch reverse into bay no. 2 while Gizzabaldi – who still insists on driving a second hand saloon despite his rumoured 32 shillings a week contract – opted for a five touch manoeuvre which was, frankly Mr Shankly, a bit of a balls up. The three eager pros, Waddolucci, Wolfkaiser and Darrylinho looked encouragingly keen.
Yes please, bring on 8pm.

As they bibbed up and did the odd 23ft sprint the spirits were high, talk of last week’s encounter with pitch No2 was on the agenda together with the choice of sweet at the Gala Dinner next week. Not to mention dress code and sticker allocation.
They had the by now familiar and healthy 4v5 and it was ON. All cautiously welcomed back Wolfkaiser from his ill-fated but highly publicised move to the Darkside, last week. He had a lot of making up to do. The crowd gave him a muted reception. But he showed his true non-high-visibility colours later on. He knew on which side his bread was buttered. You can’t buy class, you live it and express it where it counts – on the pitch.

The game had a fluidity which we had rarely seen in recent weeks, crisp passes, movement off the ball and a little afters to boot. Oh it was dreamlike at times. The 4 took an early lead, then it was even, then again the lead then level and so on. You the readers know how it works. It ended with a thrilling 12-10, I think. But one could easily call it a draw. Let’s do that! (hey hold on a minute you can’t play God – Ed.)

There was a new found determination amongst some of the crew. Namely Conngiggskï and Aderonskï, who both have felt the influence of Da Silva Fox and Pitch No2 in recent weeks. They went for everything, even lost causes. By the way, in post-match discussion with Conngiggski, he announced himself “flabbergasted” by his lunging sliding goal on the D being disallowed, having only heard of it at the post match. "Bastards" (Anon.).

As mentioned Wolfkaiser won back some of the crowd with his extendable and retractable interceptor-legs as they stopped everything that attempted to bypass them. He doesn't have a Mystic Force Power Ranger named after him for nothing. Aderonskï scored a triple and a half brace (estimate) and was a predator from even a full 43 yards. The five looked at times to be unsure what to do with the extra man. Waddolucci, who in recent times has threatened to build an allotment on the right flank, with the space available, has now got planning permission for three four story apartments on the field of dreams. The service was not there. A “flankless task” one pavilion punter stated.

The injury, or alleged injury, to the returning to form Darrylinho saw him between the sticks for a full 75mins. He was the new protector. The Terminator. The gladiator of the 4. He was the lynchpin in a side intent on seizing the crumbs of a draw from the jaws of the DSPAFC yuletide bird table and fake snow dispenser victory in the making. The 4 were under the sleigh for the final 10mins - it was reminiscent of a works Paintball Day out, with the MD getting pelted from left, right and centre. Our Master of Defence was bruised all over but his pride stayed intact. What a find, what a Jewel in the crown, what a diamond in the rough diamond formation. The names Neville and Southall were invoked, in that order. Nuff said. More please.

DSPAFC stalwarts Garrattino, Lohmann and Al-Kinghali and Waddolucci (the latter like his near namesake, Waddle, in the 1989 FA cup fourth round cup tie shamefully underused, as previously mentioned) all swept forward and sideways together like a Bobby Charlton comb-over, and pounced on the leave-takings of Darrylinho to send the home side’s goal tally into double figures. “Dizzy, I’m so Dizzy” sang the home crowd.

The post match was an interesting one. Only a 5 strong squad, but strong we were. Conversation turned to global warming, Bryan Robson making Merson and Gazza roomies in their Boro days and Paul McGrath having a bodyguard to prevent him from the sauce from Thursday to Saturday, which practice Gizzabaldi immediately adopted by getting rid of any open bottles when we got back to the lodgings.

The pundits analysed the Crown and Greyhound menu and singled out the new signings in the starters and some old favourites in the mains. They had Peacock's Three As: Advancement, Awareness and Ability. The Gala evening approaches: Pasta, Protein, Carbs, horseradish mayo, maris piper chips and alioi, all the trimmings, and plenty of liquids. Nod off with a warm sherry in front of Gabby's speech on MotD3?
Lovely.

The fourth official writes: “On examination of the video evidence and putting at our disposal the latest technology from NASA we are able to reverse the disallowed goal by Conngiggskï, making the end result 10-9. Moreover the controversial decision by referee Jorge Satantango to award a penalty for the handling outside the D by the away team goalkeeper is now adjudged to have been an error. The rebound scored by Gizzabaldi is hereby disallowed, which gives the result of 9-9, making it, as I understand it is known, another classic.”

With his goal reinstated Conngiggskï’s tally rose to a hat-trick and 1/3. For this and his mazy runs (often cleverly disguised as jogs), shots from all angles, and 4 shots off the woodwork he was, by unanimous decision, the official Marmite PotM (sticker). The United keeper lived up to the “Brave Darrylinho” moniker he earned last season with a performance straight out of the top drawer and he is duly awarded a Southall (sticker and hairband). Aderonskï was on a different planet, defying several laws of physics and totted up a goal tally which even the Arena statisticians could not keep track of. We’ll have to dig deep to find a sticker to cover such a performance.

Word on the tabloid street is that DSPAFC are to appeal both of the decisions made by the video referee (the peerless Jorge Satantango will have something to say about it too), while Colours of Benetton Utd, as a result if the overruling by video evidence, now find themselves even on points and on goal difference at the top of the table (as befits two teams often confused with one another). What a situation to be in going in to the last match before the Christmas break.

Like a hungover relative faced with a large festive tin of Quality Street, the pundits will be poring over the contents list to find the good ones, but unlike a large festive tin of Quality Street it’s unlikely they’ll want to discard anything from next week’s selection-box-Christmas-cracker-with-cranberry-sauce-in-the-wide-areas (pending planning permission) yuletide jamboree of festive footballing excellence.