Tuesday, October 30, 2007

They played till the final whistle and beyond

Bovril player of the match M. Waddo-luci

The team reunited with a spring in their step after a well deserved half–term break (well for some anyway). The break brought with it varying degrees of suffering / injuries along with a renewed hunger for glory. Added to this there was a new design ball, some key players

on sabbatical and team selection and rotations that would bewilder even the guru and candle wax lover Mr Alan Hansen (News of the World Sept 2007 vol 4).

The night started off with a flurry. Gizzabaldi had a very late fitness test, having struggled all week from his thigh and calf strain. He had followed the club doctor’s advice: Deep Heat, Oxygen Tent, Sprouts with EVERY meal but could not shake it off. It was with a sense of awe that he and Conngiggskï arriving late witnessed the array of talent on the pitch already having done their choreographed warm-up.
As mentioned in previous articles about this unique group of sportsmen, the bibs took another twist, well the allocation of them at least. Der Kaiser had a moment of inspiration, by symbolically removing his captain’s armband and instructing the shell-shocked Aderonskï (flown in from Sicily by helicopter for the fixture) to make clear his chosen few. With little hesitation he duly strode around the ‘turf and bibbed them up. Inspired choice some thought, others were as worried as ever. The game began with its usual high tempo, over hit passes, loose ball control and over indulgent runs, which combined, gave us a little taster of the evening’s direction.

Then the tactics were thrown into meltdown. Two late arrivals, Giles from his unofficial, ill-conceived, trial with Anderlecht and Campbell who had been moonlighting with 11-a-siders, sent out an air of confusion which would permeate the remainder of the game.

However it was ON. My word what a treat we had. A stop-watch was called for by the newly appointed captain. A decision of 15 mins of a 6 v 5 and then vice versa. Rafa and Jose could not have kept up with the endless rotation and the aforementioned Mr Hansen would have struggled in calling the formation which we mastered, especially in the “holding role”. The general approach was a rough diamond formation which produced a thrilling encounter.

Gizzabaldi, although obviously struggling, was foiled in the opening moments with a pile-driver nonchalantly parried by Lohmann. Der Kaiser made some surging runs and Campbell was his ever present whippet-like curse to the opposition. King had a mixed night with a conversion rate of goals to chances (here re-converted into a decimal representation) of approximately .215637777. However when other factors are factored in this in fact amounts to a rate of .734333. Expressed as a factor, however, you end up with 2/2 which in my book means 1. Which means he did not in fact miss any. Giles too experienced both highs and highs, a wonder-strike compensated for by a ‘skyed’ side-footer into the darkness.

However the man of the night was Waddo (recipient of the official Bovril Player of the Match award). The break did him no harm at all, au contraire, French wine (du vin as he insisted on translating) clearly agreeing with his playing style in much the same way as it did David Ginola in his own heyday. He was reborn tonight, making what he called himself “enough space to build an allotment” (terroir), into which his team could allow him to showboat his way to the goal of the night (some say the season!!!!!!!).He took it on the run down the flanks, like a “Viennese whirl” (as he later described it) and as it rose like a carefully created soufflé he propelled the regulation size match ball into the onion sack.




A goal! He was pleased no end, to the point of showing his glee by giving it “the full mozzarella treatment” (Darrylinho), gesturing to the crowd, fists clenched and a grin to match. This was a far cry from his early season form where he had “the turning speed of the Titanic” (Waddoluci, no relation).

The match was on another level from what we had previously witnessed. It was punishing but it was at “the peak of the enjoyometer scale” (Waddoluci) and this was shown by the spirit of the game throughout. A 7-7 draw was snatched from the jaws of a 6-7 defeat by the visitors as Garrattino (fresh from a spell with the Orlando Otters) expertly slotted home the equaliser from a tight angle. To the point that as they were plunged into the depths of absolute darkness, by the floodlight failure, at twenty past the hour of nine, there was a cry from one silhouetted team member to “play on”. These men of men showed true grit and determination even after the final whistle with King and Lohmann each claiming to have put away the winner in the shadows. Referee Jorge Satantango disallowed the 'goal' and cautioned the whole team. Just which cards of which colour were shown to which players is a talking point, in fact three of them. But hell, who cares, we have the strength in depth to field a top-drawer line-up despite the suspensions. That won't make those who had to face the 'hairdryer treament' this morning feel any better. But hey, it's only hair.

The only thing which calmed these pros and dragged them from the pitch, fumbling for their energy drinks and clean smalls, was the statement of the man of the match, “only another 47 weeks to go lads”. Beautifully put and enough to gee up the spirits of the exhausted group.

The post match visit to the pavilion was the usual great ending to the evening. As ever the superfoods were available and availed of! A varying array of substances were chosen, Der Kaiser opting for the safe but hardy cheese enhanced chip, but Conngiggskï choosing a selection of “root one vegetables”, otherwise known as pot-pourri. These chaps could not stop entertaining even after the game, oh how we laughed!. One may even venture to say that the diversity of Über-foods matched the variation of the play that night. Some safe old school, some spicy and some downright audacious choices of this ever-developing group of athletes.
The topics varied throughout the night. The match was of course foremost in their minds, but that did not deter the pundits from straying to topics as diverse as Michael Palin’s “lazy” TV series about the ‘new Europe’, Austrian viticulture, the arrival of autumn and the price of cabbage. Plans were hatched to get Setanta to renew their deal so that the cameras would once more come to North Dulwich. It was, as ever end-to-end stuff both on the field and off (as once more the stalwarts saw time called before departing into the ‘village’), not a foul all night and the spreading of the new ball was mesmerising for all who observed this latest instalment of Monday night indulgence.
A week is a long time but it will be worth the wait.

Constanin Conngiggskï
Mondeo Waddoluci's moving memoir Quick Feet, or, the Alphabet of my Footballing World: How to Make your Twinkle Toes Work - From Altringham Rovers to Vienna and Back is out now and available from all good bookshops

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Using the wide areas: how it can all go wrong


Colours of Benetton United tried out an experimental formation of 1-1-1-1 modelled on the great AC Milan formation of 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 of the early 1970s. The shrewd tactician behind this resurgent team obviously knew what he was doing, as they cruised to an early 0-0 stalemate. Player of the match Conngiggski having spurned several early chances eventually found his range with 2 surefooted strikes in quick succession. Game on! Use the wide areas came the cry from CBU stalwart Darrylinho. And they did, responding by spraying overhit passes left and right and into the neighbouring pitches for the most part. Conngiggski struck again with monotonous accuracy including an insolent back-heel. A ball in the midriff for brave Darrylinho as he compensated for defensive errors straight out of the compendium of schoolboy stuff. The Wolf stood, hands on hips, strikingly standing out against the third generation astroturf, in new socks and retro-styled black and white three-stripe (as they used to have to say in Ireland) shooting
boots. A man alone with his thoughts. Michalides pounced on a spill by the stand-in goalkeeper Cowey and fleet-footed slotted in the first of his many on this his unforgettable debut. Adriano, the new signing, produced what he later referred to in the pavilion as the most improbable goal of the evening. This was but the opening tumble in the comedy of errors which was to follow. The wide areas were aimed for and missed, despite their width. Balls sprayed and pinged every part of the anatomy of Conngiggski as he donned the gloves. For a full 10 minutes of frenetic schoolboy stuff he lept between the sticks. Fortress North Dulwich! And then the counter. There was almost a dive header from the halfway line as Gizzabaldi saw the ball sitting up perfectly. Only the lack of speed of his thought processes prevented him from propelling the ball past the hapless keeper who was stranded in the wide area. Cowey turned on a sixpence to pile on the agony for CBU. The wide area proved decisive again in th 58th minute as King and Conngiggski collided mouth to mouth. Shoulder to shoulder they had worked together to produce a thrilling encounter down the left channel, now, hand on heart who could blame either for contesting every ball. Two collossuses for the price of one, floored by their own folly. They bravely played out the remainder of the 70 minutes and shook hands in the old style. "Next goal the winner" went up over the tannoy, and there's Conniggski putting the winner away. "No next goal the winner"...was it a mistake on the tannoy? What happened next is a mystery, but it will certainly go down in the annals as a fitting end to another near-classic 12-9 victory for the home side against the plucky visitors.

Talking points at the pavilion - extra time

In the post match pavilion talks, unbelievably no one would appear to have seen the collision between the two wingers/whingers. As the claret poured from both of these trojans of the field, no one saw it. Both Gizabbaldi and Der Kaiser ( in Arsène Wenger stylee), denied ever seeing it, hearing about it or knowing anything about it, as they both were concentrating on the ball, and it was too far away to see. Plus, as discussed last week, there is a bit of controversy re. post-game beverages. A question mark hangs over Darrylinho's hot toddy. Is this giving him an unfair advantage many are asking. Judging from his sliding scissor/flapjack midfield master-stroke which battered the post (once more from the wide-area on the right), one could only guess how this inspired choice came to be. As he added, during a wide-ranging post-match discussion which saw the pundits draw analogies from the fields of alternative medicine and the hit TV series Californication, we are "on the cusp of amateurism". A new development on the field of play enabled the pundits to hear playback of some of the more interesting tactical on-pitch statements of the players, in particular the captain’s observations regarding the positioning of Conngiggskï “in a football no mans land", and to the effect that Gizzabaldi was “running like Rumpelstiltskin".

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dynamo Staropremium AFC
Weekly Gazette
Vol. 1, issue 1, October 16 2007

Well what a difference a week in football makes. Last night was a right ding-dong of a match. The highs and lows of a real contest. A contest which unfolded not only on the field of play, but even more-so in the minds of the team.

Once more there was a great turn out with all the usual suspects. The weather was again kind to us all and it looked like it was all to play for. Little did we know that all was not well within the ranks of the Dynamo Staropremium camp.

To start with we had a 6 v 6 v 6 (could it have had something to do with the number of the Beast?) session with multiple balls to choose from. The third team comprised the collective psyche of the first choice 12. More of that later.
The Bib controversy of last week took another perplexing but inspired turn. Der Kaiser (AKA the Wolf) bravely took full charge of team selection and allocated the Bibs in an apparently very casual manner. One could see however that this was far from casual in his mind (see photo right). He stroked those red tops, as easily as he strokes the match ball, and distributed them to peeps who on paper may have looked innocuous but which on the glorious green carpet would cohere into a formidable team reminiscent of Derby County circa 1973. It was on and make no mistake about that. The inspired team selection would bring out both the best and the worst of these two star line-ups. The teams lined up, reds v Colours of Benetton United.

It was tasty out there. Watch out England on Wednesday, was at the back of all our minds, as the friction of ‘grass’ on ball was tested to the limit. It was fast, it was skiddy, it was a battle ground. The cries for foul-play were repeatedly dismissed by the referee Jorge Satantango. This was not the jovial, banter-filled Monday of old, "it was fractured and fractious" ((c) Waddo 2007)."There was a change in the air" ((c) Waddo 2007).There were fires in their bellies. A look of determination which would soon boil over into near chaos. So much so that Der Kaiser had to call an old school "time out", as the teams were splattered with not only handbags/manbags, but spat out dummies, the prams whence they came and more.

There has been a very noticeable change in the players since moving to their new ground, mainly in their attire. Last night saw a very different look among the crew. Shin pads were on show by most of the team, perhaps a sign of what was to come. Not to name names, but King, Darrylinho and Conncoggskey (no relation to Conngiggskï) all proudly strutted their stuff and new gear and were brave in the tackle as befits young men in such protective livery.
The score-line did not reflect the effort which was put in by all players this October eve. (Which during the post-match conference, rated a mere 4/10. The lowest of this hard fought season). Cowey (seen below contemplating what might have been) claimed it compared to a West Ham v Millwall encounter of the mid to late eighties, and was worse than the infamous night of the hailstones in late July. The ending was also very controversial, with Gazibaldi (no relation to Gizzabaldi) leaving the pitch with a hamstring injury and Turnbull, having previously broken several metatarsels or something, in his hand in the 34th minute, calling time before the customary "next goal wins" scenario taking place. The controversy arising from Giles thereby being denied his birth-right is destined to endure beyond this season.

In the post match, in the pavilion, the crew discussed the match in the usual booze-fuelled manner. Darrylinho, having coached many high profile stars in the art of 5-a-side (Ian Rush comes to mind), was grilled on the intricate rules - high ball, goal areas, free kicks and the like. Nothing was agreed but it was a hoot.

Waddo even argued that "we should avoid the gargle (beer) next week to see what if any effect it would have". The general feeling of avoiding beer and superfoods however would do us no good whatsoever: "Bo_lox to this", both Cowey and Connciggskey, were heard mumbling. May I add that some have been seen necking a lime and soda prior to their pint and this will have to be looked into. Our saving grace was again those cheeky chappies from the north east who consumed multiple beverages of varying brewing and fermentation styles and made up for any previous wrong-doing by others.

We agreed that next week would see a greater effort by all concerned and we can only look forward to our next encounter.

The Bovril Player of the match award went, by unanimous vote, to A. Woolard (seen below).
(The editor adds, on a personal note: It has come to my attention that some of the team feel I gave a one-sided view of last week’s encounter, for which I do not apologise in any way, shape or form.)
Constantin Connciggskï

Monday, October 8, 2007

Seasonal fare as comeback kid nets enough for hibernation


Lohmann’s comeback tally of 5 goals in 7 minutes last week was one of the highlights of a 10-9 classic featuring a hotly debated time-wasting/ball-losing (depending on your view) tactic by the winners. New sponsors will be required for next week’s spare match ball, unless the squirrels have found the one Conngiggskï "skyed". The post-match analysis saw some of the most sober commentary yet witnessed at the Crown and Greyhound. It's all to play for this week.