"I support the DSPAFC squad in all their New Year resolutions," Teddy Sheringham had revealed when Constantin Conngiggskï caught up with the seasoned (with oregano and other herbs) pro at Colchester’s pre-FA cup Third Round tie buffet. They could have done with the journeyman footballing legend, in his post “dentist’s chair” incarnation at any rate, this evening!
Consternation characterised the first fixture of 2008. With the crowd growing restless as minutes ticked by to 8.20 the official kick-off time was a distant memory by the time the teams exchanged pennants and the captains mumbled their barbed new year wishes. It was ON! Better late than never, but only just. Come on DSPAFC, think of your supporters. Kick-off 8.00pm! The match when it did start began as 2007 ended with Gizzabaldi side-footing the ball past the advancing visiting keeper. As the defence scratched their collective head and wondered if they had in fact linked arms and joined in ‘Old Lang Syne’ with Jools and the rest of the Hootenannies,
and whether, rather, they were reliving the nightmare finish to the previous year, they came to their senses and realised that the television programme had in fact been recorded in October. This realisation brought scant relief, however, as at that point their season was full of hope, the collective thought bubble out of the collective head revealing at that time a selection of silverware and bonus money in pounds sterling, euros and all major currencies. 
By the time they had picked themselves up they were 4 goals down to the rampaging DSPAFC. The home team had themselves been dealt a setback early doors, with star midfielder King Sunny Ade Aderonskï sending news to the Arena about a “freak accident” said to have taken place the night before outside a Leicester Square watering hole. Speculation was rife that Aderonskï had broken the 36 hour curfew on drinking strictly enforced by DSPAFC supremo Makkapakka McClaren. His mishap on the pavement led to the predictable tabloid headline “Kerb your enthusiasm: tipsy Aderonskï’s night on tiles goes topsy turvy”.
Further astonishment lay in store as the home side’s fifth goal was not registered by the scoreboard and was only reinstated after French legend Jean-Michel Turnbulletin put away his 7th goal of the night. That this missing goal was a breathtaking garyowen-inspired “kick ‘n’ sprint (50 yards) ‘n’ tip” past the keeper solo effort by Garrattino only compounded the home side’s anger as they protested to referee Jorge Satantango, the fourth official and stadium officials.
Something was afoot. Could it have been the transfer window force-field created by the lines crossed as Robbie Savage and Nicholas Anelka passed each other at junction 21 on the M1? Nobody is sure but as the visiting team stretched their lead from 7-5 to 15-5 DSPAFC were subjected to taunts from the crowd, their manager repairing early doors to the pavilion. Referee Jorge Satantango did not seem his usual self. One wag suggested that his Marlboro Lights habit (10 a day like Gianluca Vialli), which the official had managed to quit following his ejection from the Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack show just in time to be allocated tonight’s fixture, had clouded his judgement and that he singled out known smokers, much like Zinedine Zidane, to bear the brunt of his withdrawal symptoms. As Conngiggskï, a player very much in the Zidane mould (regularly snapped by the paps outside the pavilion having a rollie), hit the decks after a series of wayward tackles, of the sort recommended by Alan Hansen to Tottenham Hotspur but taken a bit too far as seen on MotD, it was easy to be persuaded to this way of thinking. Get some patches Satantango! Adding insult to injury the groggy-headed official satisfied his craving for nicotine by breathing in instead the air of DSPAFC fans’ disgust as he called a series of debatable high balls, handballs and other “infringements”. Appeals by DSPAFC following Coweyscatsi's "Shaolin Soccer-style mawashi geri wire-assisted traversal of the pitch" (to quote teammate Turnbulletin)
to flatten Garrattino with an illegal flying mawashi geri were waved away by referee Jorge Satantango. "I saw nothing," said the referee after the match, "although video playback shows evidence of a wire apparatus to which Coweyscatsi may have been attached during the alleged incident, which I did not see."
This of course is to take nothing away from the visiting team, and especially 10-goal Turnbulletin, whose 12 week absence seemed only to add to his accuracy. Gilesinho unveiled a pair of custom made boots. Their apparently elfin proportions were a decoy, however, as they expanded and contracted depending on the run of play. The botox-enhanced carapace of the boot (fashioned from the same python as the handbag of a top footballer’s wife) was surely responsible for at least 80% of one of his audacious finishes this evening, while the Celebrates! TM enzymes that are released upon scoring to propel the scorer into a choice of three demonstrations of delight, ranging from the old-style fist in the air leap to the double somersault with baby’s nappy unfurling
from the shorts upon landing, also kicked in when he skied the ball with the boots’ first touch during the warm-up. A hiccough which was well timed at the end of the day, you’ve got to say.
Other highlights included the solid tackling of Al Kinghali, a player who had the demeanour of one sitting under the festive tree hoarding the Scalectrix, Subbuteo and Top of the Pops cover version (or, for younger readers, the just as crap Now That’s What I Call Music originals) album all to himself, such was
the determination to hold on to the ball. Jay-Jay Lohmann was in and out of the game à la Berbatov, but just like the Bulgarian you can never rule him out. Wolfkaiser treated the game like a stroll in the park with his beloved dog, Sandy. But blasting the ball wide at 15-5 when faced with an open goal and calling out “fetch!” to the home keeper was taking it just a tad too far
DSPAFC can of course do without the negative headlines concerning lager-fuelled mishaps and 10 goal deficits as they prepare for next week’s much anticipated confrontation with the petro-dollar fuelled all-star, steroid-enhanced-ego-bestrewn, globalisation-endorsing Colours of Benetton Utd. The pundits will be reaching for the superlatives as we speak.
Consternation characterised the first fixture of 2008. With the crowd growing restless as minutes ticked by to 8.20 the official kick-off time was a distant memory by the time the teams exchanged pennants and the captains mumbled their barbed new year wishes. It was ON! Better late than never, but only just. Come on DSPAFC, think of your supporters. Kick-off 8.00pm! The match when it did start began as 2007 ended with Gizzabaldi side-footing the ball past the advancing visiting keeper. As the defence scratched their collective head and wondered if they had in fact linked arms and joined in ‘Old Lang Syne’ with Jools and the rest of the Hootenannies,
and whether, rather, they were reliving the nightmare finish to the previous year, they came to their senses and realised that the television programme had in fact been recorded in October. This realisation brought scant relief, however, as at that point their season was full of hope, the collective thought bubble out of the collective head revealing at that time a selection of silverware and bonus money in pounds sterling, euros and all major currencies. 
By the time they had picked themselves up they were 4 goals down to the rampaging DSPAFC. The home team had themselves been dealt a setback early doors, with star midfielder King Sunny Ade Aderonskï sending news to the Arena about a “freak accident” said to have taken place the night before outside a Leicester Square watering hole. Speculation was rife that Aderonskï had broken the 36 hour curfew on drinking strictly enforced by DSPAFC supremo Makkapakka McClaren. His mishap on the pavement led to the predictable tabloid headline “Kerb your enthusiasm: tipsy Aderonskï’s night on tiles goes topsy turvy”.Further astonishment lay in store as the home side’s fifth goal was not registered by the scoreboard and was only reinstated after French legend Jean-Michel Turnbulletin put away his 7th goal of the night. That this missing goal was a breathtaking garyowen-inspired “kick ‘n’ sprint (50 yards) ‘n’ tip” past the keeper solo effort by Garrattino only compounded the home side’s anger as they protested to referee Jorge Satantango, the fourth official and stadium officials.
Something was afoot. Could it have been the transfer window force-field created by the lines crossed as Robbie Savage and Nicholas Anelka passed each other at junction 21 on the M1? Nobody is sure but as the visiting team stretched their lead from 7-5 to 15-5 DSPAFC were subjected to taunts from the crowd, their manager repairing early doors to the pavilion. Referee Jorge Satantango did not seem his usual self. One wag suggested that his Marlboro Lights habit (10 a day like Gianluca Vialli), which the official had managed to quit following his ejection from the Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack show just in time to be allocated tonight’s fixture, had clouded his judgement and that he singled out known smokers, much like Zinedine Zidane, to bear the brunt of his withdrawal symptoms. As Conngiggskï, a player very much in the Zidane mould (regularly snapped by the paps outside the pavilion having a rollie), hit the decks after a series of wayward tackles, of the sort recommended by Alan Hansen to Tottenham Hotspur but taken a bit too far as seen on MotD, it was easy to be persuaded to this way of thinking. Get some patches Satantango! Adding insult to injury the groggy-headed official satisfied his craving for nicotine by breathing in instead the air of DSPAFC fans’ disgust as he called a series of debatable high balls, handballs and other “infringements”. Appeals by DSPAFC following Coweyscatsi's "Shaolin Soccer-style mawashi geri wire-assisted traversal of the pitch" (to quote teammate Turnbulletin)
to flatten Garrattino with an illegal flying mawashi geri were waved away by referee Jorge Satantango. "I saw nothing," said the referee after the match, "although video playback shows evidence of a wire apparatus to which Coweyscatsi may have been attached during the alleged incident, which I did not see."This of course is to take nothing away from the visiting team, and especially 10-goal Turnbulletin, whose 12 week absence seemed only to add to his accuracy. Gilesinho unveiled a pair of custom made boots. Their apparently elfin proportions were a decoy, however, as they expanded and contracted depending on the run of play. The botox-enhanced carapace of the boot (fashioned from the same python as the handbag of a top footballer’s wife) was surely responsible for at least 80% of one of his audacious finishes this evening, while the Celebrates! TM enzymes that are released upon scoring to propel the scorer into a choice of three demonstrations of delight, ranging from the old-style fist in the air leap to the double somersault with baby’s nappy unfurling
from the shorts upon landing, also kicked in when he skied the ball with the boots’ first touch during the warm-up. A hiccough which was well timed at the end of the day, you’ve got to say.Other highlights included the solid tackling of Al Kinghali, a player who had the demeanour of one sitting under the festive tree hoarding the Scalectrix, Subbuteo and Top of the Pops cover version (or, for younger readers, the just as crap Now That’s What I Call Music originals) album all to himself, such was
the determination to hold on to the ball. Jay-Jay Lohmann was in and out of the game à la Berbatov, but just like the Bulgarian you can never rule him out. Wolfkaiser treated the game like a stroll in the park with his beloved dog, Sandy. But blasting the ball wide at 15-5 when faced with an open goal and calling out “fetch!” to the home keeper was taking it just a tad too farDSPAFC can of course do without the negative headlines concerning lager-fuelled mishaps and 10 goal deficits as they prepare for next week’s much anticipated confrontation with the petro-dollar fuelled all-star, steroid-enhanced-ego-bestrewn, globalisation-endorsing Colours of Benetton Utd. The pundits will be reaching for the superlatives as we speak.
2 comments:
want me to rustle you up a ref with eyes that work? am pretty sure I could do it with the right sized needles and some scrap yarn...
Hi,Add a little romance by sending this personalized "I Love You" teddy bear greeting with his/her first name. You don't need an occasion . . . Just choose the teddy bears color and treat (lollipop or toy pinwheel).
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