Dynamos outclass Villa as Clough wisdom fails to salve O'Neill's wounds

Gaviscon Villa 2
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8


Gaviscon Villa slipped further out of the premiership race as the Dynamos converted numerical advantage into the hard currency of balls in the onion sack. The visiting champions-elect hit 7 goals in 20 minutes to run out 8-2 victors. Tomarshavin Crosslycostly hit the Ahh Bisto! goal of the match from 25 yards and took away the Bovril PotM to boot. Freser Al Kinghali was a revelation 'tween the bark and secured himself the honour of a 'Southall' commemorative headband. Controversy was never far away with the home side complaining about the "unresponsive balls" but with several Dynamos players celebrating the newfound accuracy of their cross-field passes. Certainly row H behind the goals has never been as little visited by wayward shots as it was tonight. "It was a defender's worst nightmare tonight" commented Ally Hansen "a yellow lump of plastic hurtling into the box and it could have gone anywhere. Unbelievable". "FIFA are going to have to look at the new balls again. The purist is going to want to see a bit more arsing about and that just isn't possible with the new hi-viz toe-breakers" added Jan Molby. "Look, if new signing Tomarshavin Crosslycostly can hit the thing from 25 yards I don't see what all the fuss is about, and my players just didn't show up today and if you don't show up on the day there is absolutely no point in pulling on a tracksuit a v-neck will do, as Brian Clough used to say" commented Gaviscon Villa supremo, Smartin O'Neill.

Bungs claims rock Arena

Debit:

Pitch: 408
Equipment: 36


Credit:

Gate receipts: 446
(of which season ticket holders: 385; pay-as-you-go: 61)

Charitable donation: 10

Balance: 12

Any season ticket holders not yet paid?

Makkapakka rues missed opportunities

FC 20 20 4
Dynamo Staropremium AFC 8

Champions League quarter final, second leg


Despite 7 away goals Makkapakka MacClaren's FC 20 20 went out as Dynamo Staropremium's new management and coaching model seemed to have taken immediate effect. Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp's half-time talk did the trick as his overpaid clothes horses ended Makkapakka's European dream. Bovril PotM went to Jean-Michel Turnbulletin, while the Southall (headband) once more crowned Coweyscatsi; the James went to Conngiggski.

Breaking news: new coaching and management model

Wolfgang Wolfkaiser has commissioned this special report on the coaching and management model currently in operation at the club. Here are the findings:

In the almost two years since the establishment of Dynamo Staropremium AFC as a competitive football league club we have undoubtedly made great strides: the development of our on-field fitness and technical abilities, new clubhouse (Half Moon), new dietary regime (pizzas replacing crisps), continued investments into training facilities (balls, bibs etc.).

Time to rest on our laurels? Not us! In order to take the next step and actually compete for European honours we need to focus more on other, so far neglected, aspects of the game, in particular the coaching and management side. We are talking tactics and motivation, getting the best out of the players and how to turn games around at half time via tactical tweaks and inspirational team talks. I've assembled a 'man management / player motivation' workshop with two instructional videos by master manager John Sitton (Leyton Orient) followed by a step-by step analysis of his skills by industry observers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg_lPJ8hHP0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obixCOVTVwY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YE5mEDcjM6s

Marvellous. We should be looking to put some of what we've learnt in this workshop in practice next Monday.

Ron Manager

Dynamos unsparing in dispatch of Peckhamwoodpeckercider's poisoned chalice

One for the jurists to ponder: the Peckhamwoodpeckercider goalkeeper had adopted the mantle of Heliophilus pendulas (the hover fly or ‘fly keeper’) for the duration of his custodianship of the bark. Revelling in his liberty to stray beyond the official boundary of his domain, the fellow propelled himself bravely at the feet of Cahillisto to deflect the ball safely into the stands. Handball, admitted his teammates, one of whom seized the opportunity to jog to the sideline to take a draw from his pipe. Consternation ensued as referee Jorge Satantango blew his whistle and pointed to the spot. Now Gizzabaldi returned to the bark, retrieved his cap and awaited the strike. The former Perth Piranha deceived the stricken keeper with a delayed strike. “What an unsporting fellow” bellowed a rowdy section of the home crowd. With the high stakes of the modern game of Association Football it is perhaps inevitable that ‘gamesmanship’ should occasionally rear its head even in the ranks of the admirable Dynamos. But deceiving one’s opponent by “selling a dummy” is simply beyond the bounds of decency.

As the Peckhamwoodpeckerciders threw every man forward it was Coweyscatsi who stepped forward single-handedly to see off each fresh wave of goal-ward bound shots from the laces of the likes of Canwinjones, Conngiggskï and Campellese. He was an insurmountable obstacle and deserved the plaudits that tend to accompany the award of the Bovril man of the match, an award recently modernised by way of the introduction of the honorary 'headband' for goalkeeping excellence (AKA 'The Southall').

With Rudder steering the right flank, Norwegian wizard Bunyanson striding about the midfield like a colossus and Al-Kinghali and DiParma keeping Gizzabaldi and Stevie D 'quiet' this was an indomitable display by the Dynamos. New signing, local lad Tommy Crossly-Costly who has followed the Dynamos since he was able to crawl beneath the turnstile on the west stand, looked every inch the part of the sort of top-drawer players with which Larry Bednapp has simultaneously filled the Arena and emptied the coffers of the South-east London Premiership leaders this season.

On the plus-side for the visitors Canwinjones returned from injury to set off on a mazy run through the Dynamos defence before outwitting the temporary custodian of the bark with a well-executed Continental strike. Soon however the 'Cat' returned. Not even the trusty boot of Turnbulletin could level the match with Coweyscatsi simply playing on another level to those who would try to unravel the labyrinth he set before the jaunty lads in front of him. His pipe rarely out of his mouth, the feline keeper defied gravity, words and common sense. JT's 'hat-trick' was not sufficient to cause the scorekeeper to declare the match a draw and once again the Peckham'ciders face a fight to stay in the Premiership.

Makkapakka's FC 20 20 stun Dynamos

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 5
FC 20 20 7

Champions League quarter final first leg

This was one headline the pundits had already written. Makkapakka MacClaren's return at the helm of FC 20 20 to the Arena where he propelled the Dynamos to dizzy heights before it went down to the wire, having gone pear-shaped and a bit inclement and umbrella-ish. 'Shteve' wazh back. And it szhowed. At teh post-match press conference at the pavilion the former England supremo was in fine form. "Out of the blocksh comes Garrattino, shigned on loan during the transhfer window. Mr Shprucie, Mr Shteve Bruchie I mean, combined with Shparky, defensh combined with attack; attacking from defensh, Garrattino covered all the anglezh and all the phazhes and all the partsh of the park tonight, Shtepoverzh, runzh, tacklessh, and goalsssh, wonderful goalssh, each one conshtructed in a shed, ash if in a shed. Thish one a twisht and shout, a la Turnbulletin, thish one a shcoopy-doopy one, like an aish cream cone. And sucssh passhes, releasshed at optimum timing for hish forwardsh to shcore. A masheterclassh."