Dynamos unsparing in dispatch of Peckhamwoodpeckercider's poisoned chalice

One for the jurists to ponder: the Peckhamwoodpeckercider goalkeeper had adopted the mantle of Heliophilus pendulas (the hover fly or ‘fly keeper’) for the duration of his custodianship of the bark. Revelling in his liberty to stray beyond the official boundary of his domain, the fellow propelled himself bravely at the feet of Cahillisto to deflect the ball safely into the stands. Handball, admitted his teammates, one of whom seized the opportunity to jog to the sideline to take a draw from his pipe. Consternation ensued as referee Jorge Satantango blew his whistle and pointed to the spot. Now Gizzabaldi returned to the bark, retrieved his cap and awaited the strike. The former Perth Piranha deceived the stricken keeper with a delayed strike. “What an unsporting fellow” bellowed a rowdy section of the home crowd. With the high stakes of the modern game of Association Football it is perhaps inevitable that ‘gamesmanship’ should occasionally rear its head even in the ranks of the admirable Dynamos. But deceiving one’s opponent by “selling a dummy” is simply beyond the bounds of decency.

As the Peckhamwoodpeckerciders threw every man forward it was Coweyscatsi who stepped forward single-handedly to see off each fresh wave of goal-ward bound shots from the laces of the likes of Canwinjones, Conngiggskï and Campellese. He was an insurmountable obstacle and deserved the plaudits that tend to accompany the award of the Bovril man of the match, an award recently modernised by way of the introduction of the honorary 'headband' for goalkeeping excellence (AKA 'The Southall').

With Rudder steering the right flank, Norwegian wizard Bunyanson striding about the midfield like a colossus and Al-Kinghali and DiParma keeping Gizzabaldi and Stevie D 'quiet' this was an indomitable display by the Dynamos. New signing, local lad Tommy Crossly-Costly who has followed the Dynamos since he was able to crawl beneath the turnstile on the west stand, looked every inch the part of the sort of top-drawer players with which Larry Bednapp has simultaneously filled the Arena and emptied the coffers of the South-east London Premiership leaders this season.

On the plus-side for the visitors Canwinjones returned from injury to set off on a mazy run through the Dynamos defence before outwitting the temporary custodian of the bark with a well-executed Continental strike. Soon however the 'Cat' returned. Not even the trusty boot of Turnbulletin could level the match with Coweyscatsi simply playing on another level to those who would try to unravel the labyrinth he set before the jaunty lads in front of him. His pipe rarely out of his mouth, the feline keeper defied gravity, words and common sense. JT's 'hat-trick' was not sufficient to cause the scorekeeper to declare the match a draw and once again the Peckham'ciders face a fight to stay in the Premiership.