A masterclass for students of the beautiful game

DSPAFC Hotspur 16 Goners of Benetton Utd 5
att. 63, 247


If this was a cook-off, the DSAFC line-up would have had Gordon Ramsay in mid-field, J. Oliver on the flanks, Nigella in the engine room, Anthony Worrell Thompson ‘tween the sticks, Keith Floyd in attack and Delia Smith as player manager. What a culinary delight we had. The taste buds were tingled and toyed with for the full 90.
The 8’o clock kick off was looking unlikely at 8’o clock, a mere 3 were present and amidst internet confusion and it being the end of the transfer window it was looking ominous. But as ever through the London mist they appeared like overpaid pampered clothes horses in their splendour.

A formation of 4 v 5 was quickly arranged through the old favourite whites the visitors/off whites the home side. At the off Campellese questioned the numerical makeup and had a brief mid-field banter filled chat with his marker Conngiggskï. “We may need to do the old school half time shuffle”, or something of that ilk. He had fear in his eyes as he saw what was potentially a one horse race.

Pitch No 2 were brave, but noticing our ability, requested a match-off. They were men-down and asked for a game. We looked around and saw what could have been a situation.
“Grow up and watch and learn” was the holler from Waddolucci.
“Come back in 10 years” was the general consensus from the rest. It’s great to see the youth witnessing such glory week-in-week-out, but really we did them a favour, allowing their game to develop at its own pace rather than subject them to the humiliation of a lesson in how it’s done from us.

That horse – erm... horse? - became a beast of a foursome.
Early doors the 5 took hold of the game. A couple up and the whites sat back to admire their superior number and ability, only for the 4 to take advantage of the stall they set out early doors. The stall in question was doing a roaring trade, best Nanas, Pomegranates and 2 for a pound the lot was being screamed throughout the crowd. It was ON!

Before the 5 knew it they were 6-2 down. The mighty 4 had speed, agility and the heads did not drop. Unlike the famous 5 when pudding was withheld after their new shoes had got scraped on the garden wall as they solved a mystery. Sulking, petulant cursing and the rest were soon to follow. Aderonski was singled out for some rough treatment as the clock ticked away, while Gizzabaldi was subjected to an off-the-ball incident not seen by referee Jorge Satantango. Clashing with Conngiggskï on the edge of the D, a minor scuffle soon turned into a full-scale fracas. Both players were lucky not to take an early bath.

The 4 DSAFC were on fire. The Health and Safety chiefs were on standby. As Hoddle is my witness they were showing all in the last week of the window transfer what they were made of. Stern stuff is all I can say.
Keegan, who has been having lengthy talks with midfield supremo Wolfkaiser, allegedly, re. the possible Director of football position, was notably missing.
Still no sign of those pins in midfield.

The flair of the 4 was at times supernatural. Gizzabaldi having the game not only of his life, but of his dreams. His recent detox, coupled with his more recent tampering with retox (in a controlled environment), have paid dividends. What a cocktail of sublime tinkering. He appeared to have had adhesive substances on his shooting boot this night. It clung to his pegs like a limpet. He danced around the field, shimmied, shuffled and like the great Barry Scott would say Cillit Bang TM. He banged he banged, oh baby he moved he moved, Sorry I moved onto Rikki Martin .It was poetry in motion. Bang went the sphere, he converted from every conceivable angle, bagging a quadruple brace or a 2 and 2/3 hat-trick.

Al Kinghali along with his teammates had a funfair. The talk of the night was the new tactic in the DSPAFC display cabinet of technical excellence. Oh yes, bring on Mr Whippy. Scoop? One scoop or two? And a 99 to boot. Add to that a few hundreds and thousands, and what about a dash or two of raspberry sauce, and you have about the size of it. And still change out of a five pound note for all those who had come through the Arena turnstiles to gorge themselves on this wafer and ice confection.

But as ever the downfall of the ascendant team came to haunt. What followed was a display of showboating which even Berbatov would have been embarrassed by. The adhesive glue which Gizzabaldi had been used to appeared to have been sniffed by all and he was lucky not to be cautioned for attempting a back heel when he was clean through and facing the other way to begin with. They could not kill off the game. Being 15-3 ahead, the game was there for the taking, with 5 minutes to go.

PotM went, by unanimous decision, to Gizzabaldi. However on this display of fighting for his cause, corner and every corner, Al Kinghali is the recipient of a new award, the Keown (sticker). His rapid-fire tackling in the 85th minute left a trail of overturned Goners from centre circle to D as he singlefootedly demolished the last remaining hopes of the equaliser.

With Waddolucci claiming that a curse had been put on the diamond geezer (see below) formation of the visitors, and evidence of strange magnetic forces (or perhaps magpies) operative in the vicinity of the home D., Gilesihno still celebrating after recent events in north London, Jay-Jay Lohmann thwarted by the flat back 4 of the home side and distracted by the flat pack 4 of his recent trip to IKEA, and Garrattino led into an offside trap of his own construction, things were not going to go according to the ‘romance of the cup’ scenario. With half the production team on that particular show off doing charity work and several central characters still playing their part in the Tyneside pantomime, or else playing a key behind-the-scenes role in the Wearside revival, it will be hard for them to take any pluses away from this one.

A press release from W. Wolfkaiser: "No doubt the press will claim to see right through the club's official statement that I'm left out of the squad due to light calf strain and speculate about an impending transfer to Tyneside. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify that the pictures of me with Kevin Keegan that appeared in the tabloids today were taken in a night club where I met the Mighty Mouse on a purely social occasion." The editorial team at the blog have been passed on this official press release but I cannot guarantee that the media will not exploit ambiguities in the statement. Wolfkaiser's longstanding friendship with Dennis Wise is of course not going to help matters. The Keeganwolfwaiser (as the tabloids are calling it) dreamteam speculation has sent the Geordie Nation into a spin not seen since the days of Jimmy Nail's number one. "I should be so good for you". Or was that the hit by his former Peckham neighbour, Delboy Trotter? Or Rodders? Answers on a postcard but the sentiment is apt whatever anyone's postcard says.