Frozen 99 forgotten in a Cappella 8-8

Amid all the talk of being frozen on 99 caps it was easily forgotten that King Sunny Ade Aderonski had missed out on his 63rd appearance for Colors of Benetton Utd, Roperaroo on his 17th and El Darrylinho on his 45th. These landmarks may lack the ring of the 100th international cap, but as they stand or limp on the threshold of their 63rd, 17th and 45th appearances respectively it is high time the media turned their attention to these players, out of favour at one point perhaps, but poised for greatness on their returns. "I will pick whoever is match-fit and impressing me on the training ground and in the stadium (and at breakfast). No-one is ruled out and certainly if Aderonski, Roperaroo and Darrylinho (another casualty of the new regime is the 'ski', 'roo' and 'nho' nicknames heard in the training ground under the McClaren regime) declare themselves match-fit I will consider them. I can't as you say in English say fairer than that", stated new Utd supremo A. Cappella in a pre-match press-briefing.

Hi-Vis did the Biz

What a night! What a turn out! What a display fitting the launch of the long awaited strip. This night had everything, every ingredient, every possible encounter and one inevitable result, the inevitable draw to match a game of evenstevens. On the eighth hour we knew something special was about to occur. Eager as ever Coweyscatsi, new signing Ballesssssterian and Conngiggski were questioned by the ever-keen steward as to their intentions. To which they replied in unison, “we are a bit keen”. Understatement of the night.

Gizzabaldi, having held onto the purse strings, from the almost windfall, from the squad’s almost progression in the Milk Cup qualifiers. He took it upon himself to purchase new home and away kits for the boys. The Committee decided in an Extra Extraordinary General Meeting that the off white football strip of the away squad did not distinguish itself fully for those paying the lesser Black and White Television License fee.

Hi-Vis was the future and Gizza made it so. The game lived up to expectations and then some. It was ON. From the off it was high tempo and although it started off as a traditional 5v6, in the back of the minds of the capacity crowd, the general feeling was that a surprise was looming.

How well they read the game! With the 5 looking a bit out of sorts and a couple down it looked bad. But the school governor of the midfield arrived through the mist and Dry Ice, continuing the charade which had seen him nearly lured to a seat in the Toon boardroom to the left of Dennis Wise. His arrival was likened to that of a guardian angel. Der Kaiser (AKA the Guvnor-guvernator) was freed from the shackles of teacher’s pet, or class rep. He took hold of the game by the scruff of the neck and nurtured the saplings and budding twiglettes who had filled his accustomed role while away on apple for the teacher training.

The game was to quickly take on a new complexion. It became a battlefield of not only determination but also pride in the new shirt.

The shirts themselves were designed to a very high spec and ensured the players were still distinguishable through transparency. Football is Life is still on display and so it should.

It turned out to be a laser-assisted but sporting game. The bibs were dispersed casually yet the selection was calculated. Taking into account the Africa Cup Of Nations and fatigue factors, future Milk Cup qualifiers and general appearance. Some complained of a glare and visual impairments caused by the new kit. Our pundit on MotD2, the great Lee Sharpe, disagreed and stated for the record, “in my day my vision was always a bit messed up, the bibs merely add to the whole feel of the game”. What a pro.

It was ON
2 bookings for naked torso celebrations by Coweyscatsi and Conngiggski marred a game which was otherwise characterised by conduct straight out of the top drawer of decorum and understated sartorial elegance. The modern 'celebration' is a far cry from the properly tucked-in shirts of yesteryear. And players of former eras did not need to rely on 'dummies', having built-in celebratory moustaches. That goes for stepovers as much as for 'soothers'. A swift droop of either side of the 'tache was enough to deceive even some of the most solid defenders, while the celebratory stroke of the caterpil-lipper sent the unmistakeable message: "I've scored a goal!" Keep the shirts on laddies. Save it for the samba soccer season will you.

DSPAFC supremo Makkapakka McClaren took the unusual step of wielding the magic sponge himself, patroling the technical area with a purpose-made spongemobile.

It was certainly needed it to wipe the smiles off Jay-Jay Lohmann's face as he turned in a vintage performance capped with a wonderfully executed side-footed goal for the home side, and off Coweyscatsi's fizzog as he propelled the ball at 133 mph into the top corner for DSPAFC (recipient of the Ahhh Bisto! goal of the match sticker). His trademark whippet like sprint down the flanks, this time, with the ball, he took it early doors, outside of the trusted right, and in a blaze of glory, scorched the onion sack. It was a crowd pleaser, goodnight. As he later explained on the wireless radio it was merely number 3 on his personal top ten from the noughties and number 11 on his top 100 averaged over his career to date. MacClaren was making a rare appearance on the touchline, prompted no doubt by the fact that his replacement in the home side's technical area, A. Cappella, came with his own brand of tactics all packed tightly in his Luis Vuitton manbag.

The tackling was accurate and fair as the new hi-Vis shirts enabled long-distance assessment of the opponent and the selection of the appropriate lunge, tug, trip or elbow. PotM (by unanimous decision) went to M. Garrattino for general omnipresence, timely tackles and quotations in the face of adversity. "No-one believed in me", he opined as, his team trailing 7-8, he sprayed passes to all corners of the arena only to find the front two exchanging text messages (SMS) in the final third. DSPAFC however are not called that for nothing and they soon rallied round the fleet-footed centre-half as he led them to a magnificent equaliser.

"He was on fire, sparking, spitting fire from his shooting boots which caused an inferno in the Tangerines defence. He was up town, down town, turn your feet around town, Chemical Brothers revolution. He was all over the patch and pitch. So much so he even covered the post match pavilion, with a lunging tackle" observed Lorro.

As Wolfkaiser returned to the home-side's midfield the diamond formation found itself with all facets operational. Gone was the open diamond formation of last week which saw them adapt with difficulty as if to a new test set by A. Cappella. "It's going to be interesting to see what new things the new gaffer wants to teach us, and if these new things are different from what he (Makkapakka MacCLaren) taught us", reflected Waddolucci. Seve Ballessssssterian took up the theme: "Each player knows what needs to be done, and if you look at it, the new manager has come in here and everyone is on their toes. There is a new 'look-at-me, look-at-me' attitude and that's got to be good". Jay-Jay Lohmann quipped that even he was down in time for breakfast: "Well he's won all the major trophies, so the lads want to show him (Cappella) that they can win even the small everyday trophies such as a bowl of branflakes".

Cappella has yet to appoint a permanent captain and there was certainly a sense that several of these egos could don the armband. Turnbulletin said of his customary hat trick and a bit: "as a striker you just want to put the ball in the net, and at the end of the day, that's what I did, 3 or 4 times. It's up to him what system he wants to play, and if I'm on my ownio (moi seul, as he put it himself) up front, well, that's up to him too. The lads are giving me a bit of stick about it alright. Time will tell".

So speedy was Conngiggski for DSPAFC as he weaved his way down the left flank that the defence could have been forgiven for thinking there were two of him on the pitch. Indeed some of the pundits back at the pavilion expanded on this idea: "well if you consider the role he played under Makkapakka MacClaren during his stint with Barcelona - just behind the two boys up-front - and compare it with the more familiar role he had tonight, with the same manager except not at the Camp Nou, you've got to say it's a plausible conclusion to come to that there might have been two of him on the pitch - at times - tonight. Whatever way you look at it it's got to be a major plus for DSPAFC" explained Gavin Peacock.