Dynamos outfought, outwitted, outplayed, outclassed by Hi GM opponents in US

Dallas Doughnuts 11
Dynamostaropremium 10

The Dynamos' pre-season tour of the US got off to a bad start despite new signing Brazil's Japanese-born legend Marukaka's impressive debut. Playing at the base of the Ancellotti 'diamond' tried out here by Larry Bednapp for the first time, he stormed forward to blast the ball into the top corner from 25 yards. Other higlights included Conngiggski's Zidane magic on the corner of the D. Drag back, step-over, reverse-back-heel. Only the bark denied him. Al Kinghali secured the Marmite PotM award and Canwinjones was as unstoppable as his defensive nous was unfathomable to his hapless opponents.

Dynamos snooze early doors but turn up volume late doors to dismiss visitors for 6

Dynamostaropremium AFC 9
Wisden Almanac 6


It was Pimms o'clock as the Dynamos took to the field of play wearing topical outfits looking as if designed by Roger Federer and Nike and proceeded to let the opponents make their best mistakes. As cricket terminology is not the forte of the editor this entry has had to be cut short for technical reasons, but if you were there and speak 'Cricket' then you will be able to fill in the rest yourselves. Ah Bisto! goal of the match to Garrattino for his long awaited scoop, twist and strike into the top corner

Dynamos rewrite rule-book

Dynamostaropremium AFC

Adaptations of rules for injury-risk reduction purposes and artistic merit

Rule 1: The D
Contact with ball by outfield players allowed if ball just inside D but no contact made by attacking player on the surface of D area (e.g. playing foot, head, arse or whatever makes no contact with surface inside D)

But: no contact allowed with goalkeeper. NB Goalkeeper must feel safe in making all saves within D.

If entry of D takes place after contact with ball outside D then this is ok, provided no danger of contact with goalkeeper. In the real rules for 5-a-side accidental entry of D is okay, so same with us.

Fly goalkeeper once outside D is covered by same rules as outfield players (hence if fly goalie handles outside D it is a handball just like any other).


Rule 2: Tackling for softies
No sliding tackles

No going in high with boot raised.


Rule 3: Wingers' rule (AKA Chrees Waddle)
The player on the ball ‘darting’ down the wing claiming ball is in should not necessarily be overruled by opponent with more restricted view.

Rule 4: Head height advantage
Where possible advantage should be played but no sulking due to lack of unanimity between team-mates or between teams. Rule relaxed in the case of spectacular goals scored following an infringement (precedent: Conngiggskï’s volley). Also think twice about calling head height unless you are certain.

Rule 6: Penalties (suggestion)
‘Cynical’ fouls where the attacker is through on goal or in strong attacking position should be penalised with a penalty kick. In the event of a disputed decision the players in question should retire to the sin-bin and exchange man-bags.

Rule 7: Goalkeeper can clear/save/block the ball over head height but not kick or throw a deliberately attacking ball over head height.

Rule 8: Simulation
This is encouraged in every area of the pitch.

Rule 9: Referee Jorge Satantango’s decision is final, at least until the postmatch analysis and/or blog.

Economic downturn finally hits Dynamos

Real Cruzcampo 7
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8

Thrift was the theme both on and off the pitch tonight as the Dynamos neither wasted nor wanted in their 8-7 last minute victory against La Liga galacticos Real Cruzcampo. Foremost among them was Nicolas ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! making his first return to the El Gelatos stadium since his transfer to the Premiership and Champions League title holders. With Juande Vamos hoping for revenge on his former employers he tried a 'Ferguson', playing the dream four up-front of Rudder, Al Kinghali, Gilesinho and Hoganifemimartins. The gamble looked to be paying off when ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! decided ¡Basta! and struck a curling, swerving bowl of paella (his fourth serving of the night) into the top corner. The PotM award was his.

Forgettable evening for Bednapp as pundits fail to show and moon landing replaces football

This game remains a mystery. Stunned TV viewers tuned in to hear the views of the usual expert pundits only to be greeted by silence and a feature on the moon landing. Some of our players weren't even born then, good grief. Those that were are no doubt even more shocked to have their performance eclipsed by a replay, in the words of Hoganfeminartins, of this "desert hoax".

Dynamos wow School Summer Fayre

Not for these players the usual haunts of the pre-season professional footballer. No, for the resting Dynamos legends this is a time to give back. Thus the children at this London primary were treated to the sight of their heroes today at their Summer Fayre. Jean-Michel Turnbulletin as usual led the attack,only instead of pinging the ball into the furthest reaches of the opponents' net he was staffing the toy stall and selling off a whole load of tat to punters only too eager to part with their spangles. "I set out my stall early doors, Gary", explained the part-time crooner and full-time thorn in the side of premiership rivals as he broke off from his rendition of 'Halleluliah' . Telesavalas Rudder was also on hand, parting with an unspecified but considerable sum at the coconut shy in order to secure an inflatable walrus. Gizzabaldi was quick to scoop up innumerable trinkets, many of which he purchased at "a reasonable price". Striding about the Fayre like a colossus was Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, who laughed off his failure to convert any of his five penalties at the 'Chris Waddle Wild West shoot-out challenge' by saying "it's just a bit of a laugh really, and the goalkeeper is only 5 so I didn't apply myself fully". New signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele bought an impressive array of temporary tattoos. The children had a wonderful time and it is a mark of these players' characters that they blended in to the extent that few at the Fayre seemed fazed to have such legends in their midst. Keep giving Dynamos!

Dynamos draw against former selves

Dynamostaropremium 2009 4
Dynamostaropremium 1999 4

In a highly unorthodox pre-season warm-up tactic Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp sent out his current crop of overpaid clothes horses and preening prima donnas to play against their former selves. The idea was the brainchild of Jan Hoganfemimartins who selected the teams tonight in this exhibition match played in front of a Pimms-sozzled home crowd happy to forsake lager in the name of science. Coupled with the other therapeutic element introduced to the dressing room by the absent 'Smiler' Pantonioni the team psychotherapist teamed up with the club's logistics manager to set up this extraordinary game across the decades. "Playing against myself is something I often feel I am doing on a weekly basis" observed Conngiggski, "so basically this was no different." "Still falling over yourself then?" quipped Garth Crooks. "Ha ha ha ha" responded the 2009 version of the journeyman winger. The Gilesinho of 1999 canceled out his latter day incarnation for 90 minutes until in the dying seconds he secured the draw the 2009 side deserved. "I am not going to beat myself up over this" said Turnbulletin 1999, "but I've got to hand it to myself that I have emerged out of this experiment with at least one of my heads held high." Some were not so fortunate: Gizzabaldi still fought his demons down the flanks, while new signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele initially found it difficult to find his former feet and Garrattino's 1999 self easily snuffed out the stepovers of Garrattino 2009. "Nobody did stepovers in 1999, not on my patch anyway," quipped the 1999 version, "and I'm damned if I'm going to let some upstart try it on me now". "Larry Bednapp's created a monster here" warned Ally Hansen in the post-match analysis, "he's forced the Dynamos to look at themselves in an old light, and from a therapeutic point of view that's just unbullievable."