Mid-season league table

THE PREMIERSHIP
LEAGUE TABLE (TOP)
Pld W D L F A Pts
DSPAFC 19 11 5 3 180 167 38
Colors of 19 9 5 5 142 132 32
Benetton Utd
Peckham 18 8 8 3 160 151 32
Woodpecker-
Cider AFC
Claptonspec- 19 7 7 5 101 101 28
ialbrew Ath

Stalemate at the Arena despite fresh legs

Colors of Benetton Utd 13 Dynamo Staropremium AFC 13

Att. 31,387

What a night of football we were witness to on this blustery eve. It was something to behold. Memories are made of such a display. But here’s one I prepared earlier:

After the kafuffle of last week's 3v3 exhibition, the DSAFC had the strength and depth to field the old reliable 4v5, and it was a goal fest. An average of one goal per 2.30769231 minutes. If they had not been so wasteful in front of the sticks it could easily have been lowered to one per 1.5688412 minutes. All were guilty of the near miss, some more than others.

The result could not have been guessed at any point of the game, not even in the dying moments. It was ON from the off, if you catch my drift (?). The numerical advantage of the DSPAFC 5s did nothing to help them in this battle. In fact some would say the extra player caused some congestion in the middle of the park, hampering their free-flowing moves and passes. It appeared to be their downfall and trailed by as much 5 at the mid way point. But they bounced back to make it a ding dong of a match.
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Once more the kidz from number 3 were itching for a game with the grown up pros. They could not hide their beaming smiles as they saw the low numbers arriving for the match of the week. However once again we told them to “grow up and watch and learn”. They have the enthusiasm and spirit, but we would cruelly dash their hopes were we to take them on. Their vision and knowledge of the game are at the lower end of the slope of footballing wisdom, which we know is slippery and steep.

The average gate on the night welcomed two well groomed ringers for the night. They have since officially transferred from Peckhamwoodpeckerscider AFC and Claptonspecialbrew Athletic respectively. Michelangelo Michaelides, previously on loan to the Dynamos, made a glorious return to the Arena, while Marcel Flynnailly bossed the midfield with the authority one would expect of the former Paris St Germain legend. They looked the part and played their part. No need for an interpreter here as the pair seemed to adopt the language of the Arena early doors. “Team...happy...Flynnailly pass...that’s good. Other player...Michaelides...opponent well....good for game. Goals well...many in the net. Very happy”, opined Makkapakka McClaren’s replacement in the technical area Juande Vamos after the match at the pavilion (trans. Jean-Michel Turnbulletin).

Taking away their Hula HoopsTM and doughnut privileges is one thing but we do need to get over the language barrier to get the best out of them. At one key point, as Conngiggskï took hold of the wing, making a rare move. He was called upon to “come tight”, “make space” and much more. He was flabbergasted by such requests and simply asked, “is it back door or front?”. You can not mid match alter the mating call of these sportsmen. The whole team stopped in wonderment as to what the hell the former Peckhamwoodpeckercider midfielder was talking about. One for the training ground and make no mistake.

Tactical changes again played their part in the game which turned the topsy-turvy game upside down and inside out. Culminating in a mid match transfer of two players. Al Kingali and Conngiggskï swapping shirts on the half way line. Some say this has been simmering for some time, some say the injury one claimed was self-inflicted, by squirting the contents of an orange segment at half time into the eye. It remains a mystery but it did nothing to hinder the game.

With the clock ticking, Gizzabaldi and Gilesinho took hold of the game by the proverbials and showed great form in offence. Which is more than can be said of the defence. Oh how Hansen enjoyed this one on MotD2. He was on fire. The fours took full advantage of the lack of defence and went for route 1. In the space of 2mins 23secs the Johnny Halliday of the Benetton front-line Jean-Michel Turnbulletin had a hat-trick (trois buts). Down the middle, two touches and it was in off the post, and then the same again. Hansen could not tell these goals apart - they were identical and the keeper could do nothing to stop the sniper on the run.

Both Al Kingali and Waddolucci, not forgetting Roperaroo, had fabulous moments to take home to their loved ones. Waddo smashing the ball into a space of 2.2inches square. It was impossible, but it was hit with such venom it squeezed in. Similarly Al Kingali who is doing extra Mountain Bike training and dining on dry curry only under the watchful eye of Juande Vamos, had the engine of Keano in his day; he ran for the full 90, and got his just desserts (dry profiteroles, but hold the chocolate sauce, Juande’s watching). A handful of glorious net singers. Roperaroo, well he had the goal of the night, some say. After an audacious shimmy, he rounded a defender, took a pass on the run, just outside the area, he volleyed the beast with his instep: bosh it bent from left to right, Goodnight!

It was a difficult one to call for the stickers. Basically we were all winners on the night but Turnbulletin clinched it (the Marmite PotM award) with the new signings not far behind.

The final score, an amazing 13 each. Now that is worth the license fee alone.
Thank you DSAFC.

DSPACF 15 Peckhamwoodpeckercider AFC 6

Constantin Conngiggski is in a sul...sorry away.

Wolfgang Wolfkaiser sent the following press release:
"I'm afraid that I will not to be available for selection in tonight's match or next week's crucial Dulwich Champions Leaguequalifier due to my contractual obligations as a tactical consultant with the Oesterreichische Fussball Bund to whip those hopeless yodel kickers (short: yokels) into shape before this summer's Euro tournament.In my absence I would like you to feel 10 feet tall and play fearless attacking football to give everyone a bit of a lift, remember the fans are all honest sheet metal workers who pay a lot of money to follow you around. Then take the lessons learnt away and turn them into positives and build upon them for the next match which is the one you will need toconcentrate on, one at a time. Remember, you can only get better. I'll be following the live score updates over the telexticker."

Too Bibilicious for Ya!

DSPAFC 8 - Colors of Benetton Utd 7
Att. 61,409

It was bibtastic this crisp evening. Oh what a turn out it was. A full squad minus a few stalwarts on display on the hour and all willing for the off. Gizzabaldi dispensed the colours and without any hesitation it was ON!

Team selection done, it was now time for formation. Too often in the past the DSPAFC have been rash in this department and paid for it late doors. Today was not a day to risk anything but attacking football of the highest order. The home side huddled together for what the crowd, almost to capacity, felt was an eternity. The new Italian-influenced Diamond Encrusted formation with a hint of Cubic Zerconia on the flanks was the plan. What a plan it was. Oh my gosh.

The Limey Greens Vs the Tangerines, a pure 5v5. We got our five a day and then some. Vitamins and minerals were strewn about the field of dreams come the final clunk of the final 10pence in the electricity metre.

The flow was at times a little pedestrian, especially in the final hour when it looked like the extra training sessions set by the headmaster had left some of the internationals drained. But for the first flourish of frenzied phantasmagorical football this was a thing to behold, one to tell the kids about, or one to tell your Facebook friends about if the kids won’t listen.

The teams seemed a tad nervous at first, this despite the fact that the numbers added up to two identical equally odd numbers, the goals were in their allocated positions, the teams had clear kit colour differences, the ball was pumped up. But who’s that ? A young hopeful for the future on the sideline ready to enter the fray if needed. Kitano Coweyscatsi even helped out the ball retrieval staff, held court as a fledgling pundit back at the pavilion and looked set to replace his old man in the final minutes after an injury. Hold on young man, it'd take more than that to remove the 4 goal outside right from the Arena which he lit up with a double brace and several which rebounded from the Utd goalposts and crossbar.

This exhibition was a walk in the park of dreams for these seasoned bibbers.
Passing was crisp, the dew played its part though, movement early doors was gradual and problems with vision were expressed. “Is there a postal strike tonight or what?” Conngiggskï suggested to Gizzabaldi mid-match, having seen his arch enemy hit the bark 5 out of 5. Not bad for Soccer Sunday on Sky with the has-beens, but we are talking about this group of men at their peak.

The field or should I say the fields of dreams seemed more vast this evening. It was mainly due to the inevitable absence of teams on number 2 and 3. The outcome we saw some weeks ago, as the younguns tried in vain to get a game with the masters. “Oh you are short a man tonight, can we play”. “Oh there is a conference in Harlow tonight, if you guys are shy, I will be kicking a ball against the gate for a full 40” and such.

They realised that with our embarrassment of riches, they could not spend their night living a dream, the dream we were living, poor bastards. But in time they will realise the golden rule. What the head of an experienced pro says will eventually reach his shooting boot. It is just the extra wisdom takes its time to reach the sweet spot.
The players collectively have a manner about them in which this is displayed (but more of that another day).

However the comical information-relay-delay sticker goes to multiple guilty parties tonight. Gizzabaldi for his mystifying, midfield ball entrapment, followed by triple pirouette and landing on his arse; both Coweyscatsi and Waddolucci’s Ronaldinho impersonations on the flanks; and referee Jorge Satantango’s below-par efforts. Having cautioned Garrattino for a challenge which saw Wolfkaiser nursing several of his metatarsals (at last we know how to spell it) and looking in vain for the magic sponge, he booked him again for upending Campellese in the dying minutes but didn’t dispatch him to the sin-bin. In the opening minutes DSPAFC were denied “a stonewall penalty” according to John Barnes, for a handling outside the D offence. Not for the first time this season Satantango’s European Cup final dreams look to be in tatters.

With tele-votes still coming in the Bisto and Marmite awards still hang in the balance but with Waddolucci's twinkle toed performance and free-scoring Coweyscatsi and an array of top-drawer finishes to choose from (gloss, matt and woodchip - the latter reserved for Gizzabaldi's own goal in the first minute of play) by Wolfkaiser, Campelese, Garrattino, Al Kinghali, Gilesinho, Lohmann and Conngiggski to choose from, there is a lot to ponder.

Breaking news: the embarrassment of riches led to a jam in the broadband connection of the editorial team caused by an overwhelming vote by the public. On a recount the decision for Marmite PotM went to C. Coweyscatsi and the Ahhh! Bisto goal of the match to M. Waddolucci. What a brace of assets to any team!

Frozen 99 forgotten in a Cappella 8-8

Amid all the talk of being frozen on 99 caps it was easily forgotten that King Sunny Ade Aderonski had missed out on his 63rd appearance for Colors of Benetton Utd, Roperaroo on his 17th and El Darrylinho on his 45th. These landmarks may lack the ring of the 100th international cap, but as they stand or limp on the threshold of their 63rd, 17th and 45th appearances respectively it is high time the media turned their attention to these players, out of favour at one point perhaps, but poised for greatness on their returns. "I will pick whoever is match-fit and impressing me on the training ground and in the stadium (and at breakfast). No-one is ruled out and certainly if Aderonski, Roperaroo and Darrylinho (another casualty of the new regime is the 'ski', 'roo' and 'nho' nicknames heard in the training ground under the McClaren regime) declare themselves match-fit I will consider them. I can't as you say in English say fairer than that", stated new Utd supremo A. Cappella in a pre-match press-briefing.

Hi-Vis did the Biz

What a night! What a turn out! What a display fitting the launch of the long awaited strip. This night had everything, every ingredient, every possible encounter and one inevitable result, the inevitable draw to match a game of evenstevens. On the eighth hour we knew something special was about to occur. Eager as ever Coweyscatsi, new signing Ballesssssterian and Conngiggski were questioned by the ever-keen steward as to their intentions. To which they replied in unison, “we are a bit keen”. Understatement of the night.

Gizzabaldi, having held onto the purse strings, from the almost windfall, from the squad’s almost progression in the Milk Cup qualifiers. He took it upon himself to purchase new home and away kits for the boys. The Committee decided in an Extra Extraordinary General Meeting that the off white football strip of the away squad did not distinguish itself fully for those paying the lesser Black and White Television License fee.

Hi-Vis was the future and Gizza made it so. The game lived up to expectations and then some. It was ON. From the off it was high tempo and although it started off as a traditional 5v6, in the back of the minds of the capacity crowd, the general feeling was that a surprise was looming.

How well they read the game! With the 5 looking a bit out of sorts and a couple down it looked bad. But the school governor of the midfield arrived through the mist and Dry Ice, continuing the charade which had seen him nearly lured to a seat in the Toon boardroom to the left of Dennis Wise. His arrival was likened to that of a guardian angel. Der Kaiser (AKA the Guvnor-guvernator) was freed from the shackles of teacher’s pet, or class rep. He took hold of the game by the scruff of the neck and nurtured the saplings and budding twiglettes who had filled his accustomed role while away on apple for the teacher training.

The game was to quickly take on a new complexion. It became a battlefield of not only determination but also pride in the new shirt.

The shirts themselves were designed to a very high spec and ensured the players were still distinguishable through transparency. Football is Life is still on display and so it should.

It turned out to be a laser-assisted but sporting game. The bibs were dispersed casually yet the selection was calculated. Taking into account the Africa Cup Of Nations and fatigue factors, future Milk Cup qualifiers and general appearance. Some complained of a glare and visual impairments caused by the new kit. Our pundit on MotD2, the great Lee Sharpe, disagreed and stated for the record, “in my day my vision was always a bit messed up, the bibs merely add to the whole feel of the game”. What a pro.

It was ON
2 bookings for naked torso celebrations by Coweyscatsi and Conngiggski marred a game which was otherwise characterised by conduct straight out of the top drawer of decorum and understated sartorial elegance. The modern 'celebration' is a far cry from the properly tucked-in shirts of yesteryear. And players of former eras did not need to rely on 'dummies', having built-in celebratory moustaches. That goes for stepovers as much as for 'soothers'. A swift droop of either side of the 'tache was enough to deceive even some of the most solid defenders, while the celebratory stroke of the caterpil-lipper sent the unmistakeable message: "I've scored a goal!" Keep the shirts on laddies. Save it for the samba soccer season will you.

DSPAFC supremo Makkapakka McClaren took the unusual step of wielding the magic sponge himself, patroling the technical area with a purpose-made spongemobile.

It was certainly needed it to wipe the smiles off Jay-Jay Lohmann's face as he turned in a vintage performance capped with a wonderfully executed side-footed goal for the home side, and off Coweyscatsi's fizzog as he propelled the ball at 133 mph into the top corner for DSPAFC (recipient of the Ahhh Bisto! goal of the match sticker). His trademark whippet like sprint down the flanks, this time, with the ball, he took it early doors, outside of the trusted right, and in a blaze of glory, scorched the onion sack. It was a crowd pleaser, goodnight. As he later explained on the wireless radio it was merely number 3 on his personal top ten from the noughties and number 11 on his top 100 averaged over his career to date. MacClaren was making a rare appearance on the touchline, prompted no doubt by the fact that his replacement in the home side's technical area, A. Cappella, came with his own brand of tactics all packed tightly in his Luis Vuitton manbag.

The tackling was accurate and fair as the new hi-Vis shirts enabled long-distance assessment of the opponent and the selection of the appropriate lunge, tug, trip or elbow. PotM (by unanimous decision) went to M. Garrattino for general omnipresence, timely tackles and quotations in the face of adversity. "No-one believed in me", he opined as, his team trailing 7-8, he sprayed passes to all corners of the arena only to find the front two exchanging text messages (SMS) in the final third. DSPAFC however are not called that for nothing and they soon rallied round the fleet-footed centre-half as he led them to a magnificent equaliser.

"He was on fire, sparking, spitting fire from his shooting boots which caused an inferno in the Tangerines defence. He was up town, down town, turn your feet around town, Chemical Brothers revolution. He was all over the patch and pitch. So much so he even covered the post match pavilion, with a lunging tackle" observed Lorro.

As Wolfkaiser returned to the home-side's midfield the diamond formation found itself with all facets operational. Gone was the open diamond formation of last week which saw them adapt with difficulty as if to a new test set by A. Cappella. "It's going to be interesting to see what new things the new gaffer wants to teach us, and if these new things are different from what he (Makkapakka MacCLaren) taught us", reflected Waddolucci. Seve Ballessssssterian took up the theme: "Each player knows what needs to be done, and if you look at it, the new manager has come in here and everyone is on their toes. There is a new 'look-at-me, look-at-me' attitude and that's got to be good". Jay-Jay Lohmann quipped that even he was down in time for breakfast: "Well he's won all the major trophies, so the lads want to show him (Cappella) that they can win even the small everyday trophies such as a bowl of branflakes".

Cappella has yet to appoint a permanent captain and there was certainly a sense that several of these egos could don the armband. Turnbulletin said of his customary hat trick and a bit: "as a striker you just want to put the ball in the net, and at the end of the day, that's what I did, 3 or 4 times. It's up to him what system he wants to play, and if I'm on my ownio (moi seul, as he put it himself) up front, well, that's up to him too. The lads are giving me a bit of stick about it alright. Time will tell".

So speedy was Conngiggski for DSPAFC as he weaved his way down the left flank that the defence could have been forgiven for thinking there were two of him on the pitch. Indeed some of the pundits back at the pavilion expanded on this idea: "well if you consider the role he played under Makkapakka MacClaren during his stint with Barcelona - just behind the two boys up-front - and compare it with the more familiar role he had tonight, with the same manager except not at the Camp Nou, you've got to say it's a plausible conclusion to come to that there might have been two of him on the pitch - at times - tonight. Whatever way you look at it it's got to be a major plus for DSPAFC" explained Gavin Peacock.