Gala Dinner and Testimonial

Herne Hill's premier watering hole will host the annual Dynamostaropremium AFC gala dinner on Monday December 14th. I will send a link to their menu for your delectation and selection, as we need to pre-order. The committee decided that 25 pounds a head would cover it.

The glittering occasion will be preceded by a testimonial match to celebrate our most senior player's 70th birthday. Yes it is the return of Da Silva-Fox. A Da Silva-Fox international VII will take on the might of the Dynamos.


THE HALF MOON MENU
(I think it is just pizzas, starters and sides at present: the committee thought ordering a selection of starters + pick your own pizza would be easiest)
starters
tomato and basil bruschetta v £3.75
warm ciabatta with olives, extra virgin olive oil & balsamic vinegar v £3.50
parma ham with melon £4.50
antipasto plate
salami, parma ham, pepperoni, mozzarella, shaved parmesan, goats cheese, artichoke hearts,
sun-dried tomatoes & roasted peppers, served with garlic & herb ciabatta £6.00 / £11.00
pizza traditional 12’’ stone baked thin crust
margarita mozzarella, tomato £6.50
napoli mozzarella, tomato, anchovies, capers, olives, onions £7.50
rucola mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, rocket £7.95
piccante mozzarella, tomato, pepperoni, chillies, peppers £7.95
amalfi mozzarella, tomato, artichoke hearts, peppers, red onion, olives £7.50
contadino mozzarella, tomato, peppers sun dried tomatoes, goat’s cheese £7.50
fiorentina mozzarella, tomato, spinach, egg, black olives £7.50
sorrento mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, pepperoni, mushroom, peppers £8.50
torino mozzarella, tomato, pepperoni, chorizo, chillies £8.25
pamplona mozzarella, tomato, chorizo, red onions & fresh tomato £7.95
pollo mozzarella, tomato, garlic chicken, mushroom, rocket £7.95
calzone a folded pizza with mozzarella, tomato, parma ham & mushroom £7.95
sicilian mozzarella, tomato, mushrooms, onions, olives, pepperoni, rocket £7.95
alghero mozzarella, tomato, parma ham, salami, chorizo, pepperoni £8.95
nettuno tomato, tuna flake, onions , capers, black-olives and chillies £7.50
californian mozzarella, tomato, chorizo, goats cheese, fresh tomato, pinenuts, pesto dressing £9.25
(extra toppings meat £1.50 veg £1.00)
salads
rocket and shaved parmesan salad (olive oil & balsamic dressing) v £5.45
caesar salad, cos lettuce & anchovies (classic ceasar dressing) v £4.95
avocado, tomato & mozzarella (olive oil & balsamic dressing) v £5.75
spicy chicken salad (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £6.50
spinach salad with avocado, croutons & pinenuts v (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £5.75
rocket & parma ham salad sun dried toms, pinenuts, parmesan & croutons (honey & wholegrain mustard dressing) £6.50
nicoise salad with tuna flake, onion, black olive, soft-boiled egg (olive oil dressing) £6.25
ciabatta sandwiches served with a small salad
mozzarella, tomatoes and basil v £4.25
chicken, avocado, pesto mayonnaise £4.95
half moon plt, cooked parma ham, cos lettuce, tomatoes and mayo £4.95
cumberland sausage with fried onions and mustard £4.95
roast pepper with tomato mozzarella & artichoke v £4.95
tuna mayonnaise and tomato £4.50
oven and grill
sirloin steak (8 oz) with baked chips, tomato & side salad £10.95
roast chicken breast in tomato & mozzarella sauce with baked chips & side salad £8.95
cumberland sausage with baked chips & minty peas £6.50
side dishes
garlic bread £3.00
olives- green & black £1.50
bowl of oven baked chips £2.00
mixed salad, green leaf, red onion & tomato (olive oil & balsamic dressing) £3.20

Introducing new refereeing system

Long-standing and indeed long-falling-down members of the Dynamostaropremium AFC set-up will know that referee Jorge Satantango has done an excellent job keeping our pitches free of nastiness for several seasons. For a trial period, however, this excellent man will now be assisted by the Noel Edmunds Deal or No Deal system. This wonderful device comes in a flat-pack box and is self-assembly. No tools needed. Once assembled the device features two team captains with an encyclopedic knowledge of the customised Dynamo rules (including ‘sneaky D’).
The system enables these captains to vote yes or no against claims for high ball, free-kick etc. either if play is stopped or someone is making a hullabaloo about their claim. It should help avoid unilateral decisions on fouls etc. which often happen when players simply do want not to get involved in what might end up an unnecessary argument about what is in the end a bit of fun, In the event of a Deal/No Deal draw between the ‘captains’, the representative of referee Jorge Satantango on earth (a third official) will have the casting vote. The wonder of the device is that no discussion takes place, just the ‘Deal’, ‘No Deal’. Another feature of this amazing system of justice on the field of play is that players should not, in theory, end up arguing with each other about foul or no foul, high ball or not, and getting stressed about it..

The system is compatible with the advantage for high balls rule.
The set features gold lamé armbands, frequent flyer points accumulation counters, beards, and specially designed, FIFA-approved in-ear phones.

Dynamos slump to second defeat on doomed US tour

Pittsburgh Fridge Magnets 10
Dynamostaropremium 6

The gloom thickened, err, deepened on Larry Bednapp's tour as his technically superior and fitter side was swept aside by the Pittsburgh Fridge Magnets. Despite the return of Di Parma and Stevie D and Wolfkaiser back from his personal journey back to his roots to exorcise the demons in his goalscoring boots, the insolence of Tomar Shavin and flank play of Gilesinho were not enough on the night to counter the trio of hat-tricks by Gizzabaldi, Campellese and Hoganfemimartins. Hat-trick of the match went to Hoganfemimartins and Marmite PotM went to Campellese. Marukaka was impressive again and new Russian signing Tyrellich was looking like another inspired signing before injury cut short his match.

Dynamos outfought, outwitted, outplayed, outclassed by Hi GM opponents in US

Dallas Doughnuts 11
Dynamostaropremium 10

The Dynamos' pre-season tour of the US got off to a bad start despite new signing Brazil's Japanese-born legend Marukaka's impressive debut. Playing at the base of the Ancellotti 'diamond' tried out here by Larry Bednapp for the first time, he stormed forward to blast the ball into the top corner from 25 yards. Other higlights included Conngiggski's Zidane magic on the corner of the D. Drag back, step-over, reverse-back-heel. Only the bark denied him. Al Kinghali secured the Marmite PotM award and Canwinjones was as unstoppable as his defensive nous was unfathomable to his hapless opponents.

Dynamos snooze early doors but turn up volume late doors to dismiss visitors for 6

Dynamostaropremium AFC 9
Wisden Almanac 6


It was Pimms o'clock as the Dynamos took to the field of play wearing topical outfits looking as if designed by Roger Federer and Nike and proceeded to let the opponents make their best mistakes. As cricket terminology is not the forte of the editor this entry has had to be cut short for technical reasons, but if you were there and speak 'Cricket' then you will be able to fill in the rest yourselves. Ah Bisto! goal of the match to Garrattino for his long awaited scoop, twist and strike into the top corner

Dynamos rewrite rule-book

Dynamostaropremium AFC

Adaptations of rules for injury-risk reduction purposes and artistic merit

Rule 1: The D
Contact with ball by outfield players allowed if ball just inside D but no contact made by attacking player on the surface of D area (e.g. playing foot, head, arse or whatever makes no contact with surface inside D)

But: no contact allowed with goalkeeper. NB Goalkeeper must feel safe in making all saves within D.

If entry of D takes place after contact with ball outside D then this is ok, provided no danger of contact with goalkeeper. In the real rules for 5-a-side accidental entry of D is okay, so same with us.

Fly goalkeeper once outside D is covered by same rules as outfield players (hence if fly goalie handles outside D it is a handball just like any other).


Rule 2: Tackling for softies
No sliding tackles

No going in high with boot raised.


Rule 3: Wingers' rule (AKA Chrees Waddle)
The player on the ball ‘darting’ down the wing claiming ball is in should not necessarily be overruled by opponent with more restricted view.

Rule 4: Head height advantage
Where possible advantage should be played but no sulking due to lack of unanimity between team-mates or between teams. Rule relaxed in the case of spectacular goals scored following an infringement (precedent: Conngiggskï’s volley). Also think twice about calling head height unless you are certain.

Rule 6: Penalties (suggestion)
‘Cynical’ fouls where the attacker is through on goal or in strong attacking position should be penalised with a penalty kick. In the event of a disputed decision the players in question should retire to the sin-bin and exchange man-bags.

Rule 7: Goalkeeper can clear/save/block the ball over head height but not kick or throw a deliberately attacking ball over head height.

Rule 8: Simulation
This is encouraged in every area of the pitch.

Rule 9: Referee Jorge Satantango’s decision is final, at least until the postmatch analysis and/or blog.

Economic downturn finally hits Dynamos

Real Cruzcampo 7
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8

Thrift was the theme both on and off the pitch tonight as the Dynamos neither wasted nor wanted in their 8-7 last minute victory against La Liga galacticos Real Cruzcampo. Foremost among them was Nicolas ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! making his first return to the El Gelatos stadium since his transfer to the Premiership and Champions League title holders. With Juande Vamos hoping for revenge on his former employers he tried a 'Ferguson', playing the dream four up-front of Rudder, Al Kinghali, Gilesinho and Hoganifemimartins. The gamble looked to be paying off when ¡¡¡Burrrrritttahhhh!!!!! decided ¡Basta! and struck a curling, swerving bowl of paella (his fourth serving of the night) into the top corner. The PotM award was his.

Forgettable evening for Bednapp as pundits fail to show and moon landing replaces football

This game remains a mystery. Stunned TV viewers tuned in to hear the views of the usual expert pundits only to be greeted by silence and a feature on the moon landing. Some of our players weren't even born then, good grief. Those that were are no doubt even more shocked to have their performance eclipsed by a replay, in the words of Hoganfeminartins, of this "desert hoax".

Dynamos wow School Summer Fayre

Not for these players the usual haunts of the pre-season professional footballer. No, for the resting Dynamos legends this is a time to give back. Thus the children at this London primary were treated to the sight of their heroes today at their Summer Fayre. Jean-Michel Turnbulletin as usual led the attack,only instead of pinging the ball into the furthest reaches of the opponents' net he was staffing the toy stall and selling off a whole load of tat to punters only too eager to part with their spangles. "I set out my stall early doors, Gary", explained the part-time crooner and full-time thorn in the side of premiership rivals as he broke off from his rendition of 'Halleluliah' . Telesavalas Rudder was also on hand, parting with an unspecified but considerable sum at the coconut shy in order to secure an inflatable walrus. Gizzabaldi was quick to scoop up innumerable trinkets, many of which he purchased at "a reasonable price". Striding about the Fayre like a colossus was Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, who laughed off his failure to convert any of his five penalties at the 'Chris Waddle Wild West shoot-out challenge' by saying "it's just a bit of a laugh really, and the goalkeeper is only 5 so I didn't apply myself fully". New signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele bought an impressive array of temporary tattoos. The children had a wonderful time and it is a mark of these players' characters that they blended in to the extent that few at the Fayre seemed fazed to have such legends in their midst. Keep giving Dynamos!

Dynamos draw against former selves

Dynamostaropremium 2009 4
Dynamostaropremium 1999 4

In a highly unorthodox pre-season warm-up tactic Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp sent out his current crop of overpaid clothes horses and preening prima donnas to play against their former selves. The idea was the brainchild of Jan Hoganfemimartins who selected the teams tonight in this exhibition match played in front of a Pimms-sozzled home crowd happy to forsake lager in the name of science. Coupled with the other therapeutic element introduced to the dressing room by the absent 'Smiler' Pantonioni the team psychotherapist teamed up with the club's logistics manager to set up this extraordinary game across the decades. "Playing against myself is something I often feel I am doing on a weekly basis" observed Conngiggski, "so basically this was no different." "Still falling over yourself then?" quipped Garth Crooks. "Ha ha ha ha" responded the 2009 version of the journeyman winger. The Gilesinho of 1999 canceled out his latter day incarnation for 90 minutes until in the dying seconds he secured the draw the 2009 side deserved. "I am not going to beat myself up over this" said Turnbulletin 1999, "but I've got to hand it to myself that I have emerged out of this experiment with at least one of my heads held high." Some were not so fortunate: Gizzabaldi still fought his demons down the flanks, while new signing Jean-Luc MacUkulele initially found it difficult to find his former feet and Garrattino's 1999 self easily snuffed out the stepovers of Garrattino 2009. "Nobody did stepovers in 1999, not on my patch anyway," quipped the 1999 version, "and I'm damned if I'm going to let some upstart try it on me now". "Larry Bednapp's created a monster here" warned Ally Hansen in the post-match analysis, "he's forced the Dynamos to look at themselves in an old light, and from a therapeutic point of view that's just unbullievable."

Video evidence secures draw for creaky vets

Andorra Reserves 8
Dynamostaropremium 8

A video-assisted recount of the goals gave the Andorran minnows the result of a lifetime as they held the might of the Dynamos to a draw in the tiny principality. The match was lit up by a superlative solo effort by Canwinjones.

Dynamos demolish Britain's Got Talent hasbeens

Dynamostaropremium AFC 8
Britain's Got Talent selection 2

The pre-season period is always a period for reflection and giving something back. This year is proving no exception as the Dynamos gave their time over to charity this evening, playing a team drawn from failed participants in the popular TV programme. The charity stopped there however. Gilesinho, playing like a man auditioning for a future series, put on a show for the fans tonight which put the wannabee panto nano-celebs in their place. Interspersing the individual goals which comprised his hat-trick with one-liners and smooth repartee, he compered the evening like a combination of Lineker and Ole Blue Eyes himself. Regrets, he had a few...no he rewrote the lyrics tonight exposing gaps in Talent's defence and stealing the show. The sad Talent turnips were simply no match for the Dynamos tonight. Despite the presence of Simon Cowell in goal, Robbie Williams at left back, Gordons Ramsey in the engine room, and Susan Boyle leading the attack Talent were outplayed in every department by the Premiership and Champions League title holders.

Dynamos legend donates takings to charity but leaves Allotments with no options

Dynamo Staropremium Premium Star Selection 7
Allotment Supplies and Sundries FC 6

As befits a big occasion the Dynamos fielded a star selection tonight for Albie Cahillisto’s testimonial. The script appeared to have been written with the great man opening the scoring with a true striker’s goal. The Dynamos threatened to overrun Allotment’s usually robust and hardy perennial defence. Soon enough however the seasons seemed to turn and with a bit of judicious weeding administered by Coweyscatsi, Canwinjones and Wolfkaiser the Allotments put the boot on the other foot and started to inundate the Dynamos D with produce straight from the back of the stall. Onions, parsnips and finest radishes were thrown at the goalmouth. The bark was hit from every angle but somehow it was not to be their night. Coweyscatsi however, turned on a sixpence in the middle of the park before setting off on a powerful run which tore through the heart of the Dynamos defence. Then it was pruning season once again for the Allotments as Player of the Match Gilesinho picked off two peaches of goals from the wide areas and with Norwegian wizard Bunyanson indomitable in midfield and Burritah on song, Gilesinho completed a star performance with an assist for the otherwise wayward Gizzabaldi to score an unlikely goal. The hapless lad had to be cautioned for berating Canwinjones for an imaginary slight. “The lad’s off to the Priory with wassername off the telly to recuperate and meet face to face the demons in his head” commented Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp. Late doors the Allotments rallied but their finest veg was wastefully propelled into the neighbouring fields.

The testimonial was followed by a celebration at an exclusive South east London eaterie, where Cahillisto was inducted into the Dynamo Staropremium Hall of Fame, Junior rank. Vowing to return after his predicted 5 year loan deal to Perth Plasmas to continue his career with the Dynamos, he made a commitment to players and fans to one day earn his place at the top table of this elite footballing institution, the Hall of Fame proper. “This is a big football club and it will always be a pleasure to sit eating prawn sandwiches in the director’s box when I visit. Just remember: whatever you do: Give Him An Option!”

Zola's realism plus wine deprivation secure Champions League for Dynamos

Dynamo Staropremium 8
Real Cruzcampo 2

The booze-ban in Rome was meat and potatoes to Larry Bednapp’s de-toxed charges who took to the field more clear-eyed and focused than was possible under the glass-of-Rioja-a-day nutritional regime of Juande Vamos. Referee Jorge Satantango however had a night to forget as he failed to blow the whistle early doors on a high ball across the D. Poetic justice was done late doors however as he failed to spot an infringement in the middle of the park, with a deflected ball falling into the path of Conngiggskï. The orb hovered in his stride as his mind and arse turned on an angelic axis to rotate and blast the sphere into the top corner. Wolfkaiser heard the ball whistle past but saw nothing. Van Basten and Kempes combined for goal of the season. Bovril PotM went to Campellese as the Dynamos lifted the Champions League trophy for the second year running. "The lad Hoganfemimartins was majestic tonight. Shades of Zola in his pomp, not Gianfranco mind you, more Emile" observed Robbie Savage. Warming to his topic the pundit continued: "he's brought to the team a new realism on an epic scale, a bit like Echo and the Bunnymen's third album". Ally Hansen had advice for Real's back four. "The centre half's all over the place. He's got to win that cross from Al Kinghali. Unbullievable". Liam Brady opined: "Norwegian wizard Bunyanson's stamped his authority on the midfield, and the stamp if we can get a close up of it on screen reads 'check my guns'". "Looks like its a reference to the new kit, from the homeland of Cahillisto, which reveals a Aussie rules influence combined with Baltic trim" explained Tomar Shavin.

Shearer's Whitney Houston gamble fails to deliver as Pewcastle fall to Dynamos

Pewcastle Utd 8
Dynamostaropremium AFC 10

It was billed as the dream team for the Toon army but Shearer and Whitney Houston ultimately failed to keep Pewcastle in the top tier. Against a Dynamos side featuring only four of the first choice 11, the home side defence was exposed early, middle and late doors.
"Duff" quipped El Darrylinho as he picked one out of the back of the net. "It's the first time we've had a manager round here for months" said Sandersoni, "Houston has won the dressing room over with motivational ballads and just as she has fought her demons and won so also did we think we would have the final say against ours" - and that was just dropping Joey Barton. Imagine the task faced by the diva trying to sort out Pewcastle's midfield. "Anonymous, android, anticlimactic and average" was the verdict of Ally Hansen. Conngiggski won the Ahh Bisto! goal of the match statuette with a flick over the shoulder of the defender and volley, protests waved away by referee Jorge Satantango, while Marmite MotM went to Hoganfemimartins, whose transfer from the Magpies to the Dynamos was already looking a done deal, and the Southall headband decorated the head of Campellese. With the Dynamos having already secured the Premiership title Larry Bednapp was sympathetic to the plight of Toon. "if there is one thing I know about Whitney Houston is that she and Toon will be back in the top flight next season. You mark my words" he reported to Chris Widdle.

Dynamos drive Whitevan to brink as both managers do their pieces and the toys come out of the pram

Dynamostaropremium AFC 6
Whitevan United 5


What a dismal night for Whitevan United who with 90 minutes on the clock were holding the might of Dynamostaropremium, the champions-elect to a draw, with prospect of a point enough to secure them Premiership survival. The pitch tonight brimmed full with overpaid, preening and petulant talent. As Gavin Peacock observed in a sermon earlier that day, "it could easily go Pete Tong, the stadium is not big enough to hold in these personalities". The massive crowd at the Kip end was only equaled by the liveried pros on the park. What a sight! It was a battle ground from the off. However, unlike in previous weeks, both sides showed up this time, good and proper.

Wolfkaiser treated the home crowd to an early warm-up, giving them an extra 3 scissor runs down the flanks as Celine Dion belted out a rousing power-ballad on the tannoy. The opposition did not like this one little bit. Bibs on, game on! Blimey, it was tight, FIFA officials intervening after 10 minutes of wild football, for health and safety reasons. Ballix Smuggerson, the visiting manager, was doing his pieces in the dugout, Orbit extra cool being strewn all over the shop. Tony Cascarino and Andy Townsend's touchline interview area had to be moved to allow for the expansion of the pitch. How this changed the game! It made it a delight for all who were witness to this feast of flair. "Defences were opened, wide areas became wide and it was end to end and back again" opined Andy Gray.

Goals were scarce, but controversy was plentiful. The ball ping ponged around the sward: high ball, sliding tackles, simulation and down-right petulance, Oh it was the business. The teams were feeling the game and the crowd responded.

Early doors, a rare free kick was awarded, later on another, followed by a penalty, given for encroachment of the D by El Darrylinho. All were an insult to the paying loyal crowd. Shocking efforts every last one of them. The tense evening nearly bubbled over into a mass slagging match between the two teams. At the eye of the storm referee Jorge Satantango had stern words with Conngiggski and Gizzabaldi who were ripping into the opposition with a Drogba-Ballack scripted litany of conspiracy theories. “It’s great to see such passion for the badge this late on in the season", Bruce Grobbelaar said from his seat at Paddy Powers Betting shop.
Yellow cards for both and a week of boot cleaning will hopefully calm these men down for the next, if not then we could witness our first Red of the season. "Someone needs to have a word" Smartin O'Neil stated in the studio. Amidst the mayhem moments of calm: Turnbulletin once more turned, like the French Elvis in his prime, to twist the sphere into the top corner, Sandersoni hit a belter from 35 yards and Tomar Shavin once more proved his fashion sense with a very ‘now’ 25 yarder ‘on the valve’.

Possible goal of the match came off the boot of Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, though Rudder managed to steer one in at the far post in a barnstorming phase of the game when he could do no wrong. They shared the PotM award. For the visitors Al Kinghali flashed one in from the left flank. Tasty, but it was not to be. Larry Bednapp’s night was ruined however when “some senior squad members” were seen tumbling out of the H***f M**n pub late doors, “one falling into the flower-box sustaining minor injury to his elbow” and another “thinking he was hailing a taxi when he was in fact waving at the wheely bin outside the takeaway”, reported Jan Mölby.

Bednapp fury as Dynamos struggle to shake off party-animal tag

Dynamo Staropremium 6

Parsenal 1

Off the field events overshadowed this top of the Premiership encounter at the Arena with Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp personally administering breathalyser tests and run-the-straight-white-line manoeuvres (see picture, right) on his team in front of the Old Bill who were on standby “in case any ****er thinks he can turn up to play for this football club having necked a couple of swift Double Diamonds at the Hound and Parsnip on the way to the ground”. Having found only 3 first choice players over the limit Bednapp called back into the fold austerity-guru Norwegian wizard Bunyanson, the steering influence of Telesavalas Rudder and the galvanising moral guardianship of El Darrylinho to “represent three values of the modern game (see picture, right). You can’t imagine Maldini with lager pouring out his ear’ole taking the field against this Parsenal lot – young an’all as they are. At least with this trio on the park I am sure of the con’in’en’al approach to boozing being transmitted throughout the squad. I have also appointed ‘on-field ambassadors’ to keep the younger players known to be fond of a lager focused on other non-alcoholic rewards after they have expensively chased a ball about the sward for 90 or so”. The message was clearly delivered as the reduction of units of alcohol coupled with experience made short shrift of Orson Wrangler’s Parsenal teenage XI. Look and learn seemed to be the motto of Bednapp’s clear-headed charges. Goals of the match dispatched with aplomb by Garrattino with a twist on the edge of the D with special appearance by a certain Mr Whippy one scoop or two and a reformed Pantonioni proving he can make the ball travel along a straight line with a pile-driver from 30 yards. Yowsa! Reports of a as-yet unidentified Dynamos player emerging after a "pint of soda water, one pub-sized Chardonnay, an Adnams shandy and a half a flaming Sambuka" emerged on MotD2 as Jan Molby reported stationed outside the H**f M**n pub. "Larry ain't going to be best pleased with this display from someone from this football blub who frankly mr shankly should know better. If the player had only replaced the Adnams or the half a Sambuka with a beverage from the lighter side of the spectrum then he'd be alrighty. But as it appens he's docked two weeks' wages and got an earful from arry". Ally Hansen commented "unbullievable!".

'Giggski does a Didier as Dynamos Ballack Barca despite El Gato

Barsylona 5
Dynamostaropremium AFC 5

Champions League semi final second leg
Dynamostaropremium go through on away goals

What a humdinger of a stalemate was served up at the Nou Camp tonight.. The visitors, blighted by injury, Stamford Bridge and television, put out a fledgling side. Reports suggest that Larry Bednapp funneled the power of a Chas n' Dave compilation into the dressing-room motivational ipod docks of the players. The nano my-little-pony power delivered by the pods somehow countered the va-va-voom of Tea-airy Henri and the match ended 'Shaky Stevens', the away goals favouring Larry Bednapp's charges. Try telling that to Conngiggski as he 'spun' off the Wolfkaiser to win the game only for referee Jorge Satantango to disallow. As the legendary journeyman winger linked his hands to form the Anelka 'Dove' and ran to the corner flag to kiss the badge he quickly moved into 'Didier' mode (no, not the diving, though "he's up for an Oscar nomination every week" according to Andy Townsend), remonstrating with the camera crew, the sprinkler operator and the fourth official. Perhaps he should take a lesson out of the songbook of personal hero Red Hurley. That man never faked a minute of his time in the limelight. Ballack Wolfkaiser chased after the referee. Satantango, unaccustomed to such pursuit, threw a range of cards at the incensed former Bayern legend. "Who are ya? Who are ya?!" bayed the crowd. And they were right. Who were they after all? Barsylonas and Dynamos seemed to blend in a great Europudding production. El Gato as usual played his part in the drama with saves out of his personalised Iberian top drawer, while Canwinjones was honoured with the Marmite PotM award.

Title race goes down to wire as 'Specials sink Dynamos

Claptonspecialbrew Athletic 10

Dynamostaropremium AFC 5

Following this setback to his team's title hopes, Dynamos supremo Larry Bednapp refused to back down in his spat with the national team coach over the status of Telesavalas Rudder’s knee. Rudderless tonight the Dynamos floundered and fell 5 goals behind early doors. The home side played exhibition football approaching arrogant levels of showboating in the early stages. Tweaks to the rules regarding high balls continued to cause a degree of confusion not least in the mind of referee Jorge Satantango. Gizzabaldi was cautioned for throwing the ball into the face of Burritahhh!!!! while Canwinjones was lucky not to see red for a tackle on Cahillisto. A late rally by the Dynamos got them back to 7-5 with Garrattino scoring the goal of the match with a run from his own goal-line followed by a stepover and a showboating finish inspired by Grafite of Wolfsberg (isn't it?) in their 5-1 demolition of Bayern Munich a few days earlier (see link below). Cahillisto found his range again with a top-drawer turn to score from 25 yards. Gilesinho and Al Kinghali however both had a bit of an ‘Alves’. “It was a game of two Alves tonight Gary” opined Andy Townsend. “Alves 1 and Alves 2”. Garth Crooks put the quip to the strikers . Gilesinho said he "would take it in his stride. I can take a lot of positives out of this one". Al Kinghali vowed to "let my feet do the talking, and anyway Andy Townsend has been waiting all season to try this one on. Bad puns won't hurt a player of my caliber. I refuse to stoop to his level".

Goal of the season?:

http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=24700

Italian influence restores fantazia to the Arena

Dynamo Staropremium AFC 12

Colors of Benetton Utd 4

Flavio Acapella’s decision to adopt Trapattoni’s catenaccio philosophy backfired spectacularly at the Arena tonight. The door may indeed have been bolted but the key was left in the possession of the opposition. After the match many, including Jan Hoganfemimartins returning after a lean spell on Merseyside, called for a shortening of the pitch, with the players remaining where they stood – the only way to defend against Garrattino tonight being to exclude him from the field of play entirely. His years in Serie A paid dividends with a double ‘hat-trick’ and an extra one just to be sure. For the visitors the spectre of the Lampard-Gerrard debate was once again haunting the middle of the park. Norwegian wizard Bunyanson and Wolfkaiser did not cohere in a manner befitting their...coherence. Canwinjones rampaged forward but skyed two balls in quick succession. Gilesinho was expert at drawing the defenders, “the only problem was he kept going back to colour them in” as Coweyscatsi later observed in a post-match interview. Conngiggski patrolled the edge of the D with his characteristic Berbatovian sulk but, to his credit, scored one of his soufflé-assisted volleys. Cahillisto played in the hole but not even he could dig out the onions to fill the Dynamostaropremium sack which was kept tightly closed by the legendary El gato, Coweyscatsi. And so to the Dynamos: in the words of Trapattoni this was football as Fantazia. Building themselves astride Al Kinghali’s channel down the left flank, new signing Tomar Shavin combined with Gizzabaldi and Campellese to feed the premiership’s new striking partnership Garrattino and Pantonioni. No sooner had they served up an anti-pasti of selected cured meats than the hungry forwards demanded a primo, segundo and so on through a 12-course menu of mouthwatering football finishing. Starved of such sustenance throughout the match, back at the pavilion Bunyanson reflected over his pizza on the part played by facial hair in the Dynamos’ victory. Pantonioni’s newly grown and expansive set of handlebar beardlets seemed to have given him an edge up-front, stabilising the Italian legend and restoring a centre of gravity believed to have been mislaid during the 2001-2 Champions League campaign. He added his fears concerning Gizzabaldi’s beard, expressing the hope that he would not adopt an ear-to-ear ‘smeard’ (smile-beard), as the combination would be overwhelming. As befits a match graced by Tomar Arshavin the post-match analysis was dominated by metaphors from the world of fashion. “The shirts of Colors of Benetton Utd are just all over the place. Unbullievable” said Ally Hansen.

Bovril PotM went to Garratino

Ahh Bisto!! goal of the match: Gizzabaldi (subject to investigation by FIFA)

The Southall: Coweyscatsi

Dynamos outclass Villa as Clough wisdom fails to salve O'Neill's wounds

Gaviscon Villa 2
Dynamostaropremium AFC 8


Gaviscon Villa slipped further out of the premiership race as the Dynamos converted numerical advantage into the hard currency of balls in the onion sack. The visiting champions-elect hit 7 goals in 20 minutes to run out 8-2 victors. Tomarshavin Crosslycostly hit the Ahh Bisto! goal of the match from 25 yards and took away the Bovril PotM to boot. Freser Al Kinghali was a revelation 'tween the bark and secured himself the honour of a 'Southall' commemorative headband. Controversy was never far away with the home side complaining about the "unresponsive balls" but with several Dynamos players celebrating the newfound accuracy of their cross-field passes. Certainly row H behind the goals has never been as little visited by wayward shots as it was tonight. "It was a defender's worst nightmare tonight" commented Ally Hansen "a yellow lump of plastic hurtling into the box and it could have gone anywhere. Unbelievable". "FIFA are going to have to look at the new balls again. The purist is going to want to see a bit more arsing about and that just isn't possible with the new hi-viz toe-breakers" added Jan Molby. "Look, if new signing Tomarshavin Crosslycostly can hit the thing from 25 yards I don't see what all the fuss is about, and my players just didn't show up today and if you don't show up on the day there is absolutely no point in pulling on a tracksuit a v-neck will do, as Brian Clough used to say" commented Gaviscon Villa supremo, Smartin O'Neill.